Size doesn’t matter.

December 30, 2007 at 3:41 am (Eating Disorder, Health, Rants) (, , , , , , )

And this post isn’t what you think. What I want to talk about is the ‘sickest’ game. You don’t have to have an emaciated BMI to be really sick. To have lifelong effects. For one, not every eating disorder makes the sufferer ‘skinny.’ Contrary to popular belief, bulimia usually doesn’t look scrawny. But everybody knows it is extremely dangerous. There are also binge-eating and compulsive overeating, which don’t tend to cause weight loss. Even with ‘restrictive eating,’ not everybody gets to extreme weights. That doesn’t mean they aren’t just as sick. You can have all the same health problems associated with that emaciated, feeding tube look without even being close. Please people… just remember that EDNOS (just a stupid diagnostic classification) is dangerous and deserves just as much treatment and understanding. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE BMI 17.5 OR BELOW TO BE VERY VERY SICK.

That said, I think I’m done blogging in the middle of the night. My thoughts don’t seem nearly as organized and coherent as they should be.

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Biopsy results are in (and other updates)

December 10, 2007 at 12:36 am (Happiness, Health, Randomness, Rants) (, , , )

The biopsy turned out fine. The just want me back in a few months for a follow up to be safe, but it looks like I dodged that one. And the pain and bleeding and all only lasted a few days. Not as big a deal as I had anticipated. That was probably my biggest relief… when I picked up the phone to hear the nurse tell me the good news.

I’m on yet more meds. Yet more side effects (but the benefits are far greater). And I’m actually remembering to take them!

I’m due for another EKG. Last time I went in for sinusitis she had talked about doing another one (since they always ask about everything else concerning overall health.) I probably need it, but honestly, I’m sick of them. Same with needles. They take too much blood. And doctors in general. There really should be a limit to how many times you have to go. Oh, and antibiotics. Seems like every time I go, they give me some. And it’s always the same one. And always the one that makes my stomach really sick.

On a happier note, I refused to weigh when I went in for the biopsy. And the therapist and psychiatrist both supported my decision. (The poor girl, I even refused backward weighing because I’m just sick of my weight constantly being up for scrutiny.) And my sinusitis finally seems to be cleared up. Chronic infection can kiss my lily white butt.

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The most disgusting anorexia trigger ever.

November 18, 2007 at 7:37 am (Eating Disorder, Media, Rants) (, , , , , , , , , )

I’m not just talking about mannequins that are about half the size of normal humans. I’m talking about SKELETAL mannequins. Literally.

mannequin3.jpg

Thank you Macy’s. I don’t know if other stores have these bony ones (Macy’s is the only store I’ve ever seen THIS at) but this crosses a line. I hate that ‘oh mannequins are just supposed to be an abstract way of showing off clothing’ but when you stick protruding bones on them, they go from ‘abstract’ (I still just see major triggers since they’re in a human shape showing clothing I’m supposed to be trying to look that good in too) to downright sick and disgusting. Clearly the people who designed these, the people who thought they’d be perfect in the store for display… none of those people have EVER been touched by an eating disorder, have they? Because if they knew the hell people go through while looking like that (or working for that) they’d be just as disgusted as I am and I hope you are too. I’ve been brainstorming things to do. Maybe stand right by one at the store entrance and just hand out pamphlets about eating disorders? I don’t want to break laws, and if I get asked to leave, I will but I absolutely HAVE to do something about this. Enough lives have been lost and ruined because of that exact thing right up there. Join me in fighting this, please. For yourself, your sister, best friend, mother, daughter, girlfriend…

WE DON’T DESERVE TO FEEL THIS WAY!

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Old pictures…

November 5, 2007 at 4:34 am (Eating Disorder, Health, Rants) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

I saw the few pictures that exist of me during the worst of my eating disorder and I still can’t see skinny. Most people look back and feel shocked at how they look. Maybe it hasn’t been long enough, or maybe I was right the whole time and there really was nothing wrong with me. And now… I put on pounds by the day. I don’t even want to leave the house anymore. I’m really in that binge eating phase that always happens several months in. I start going through recovery, everybody tells me how much better (fatter) I look, and then I think some biological switch gets flipped. It’ll maybe last a couple months tops, then it all spirals downward again until I find myself in treatment at supposedly an extremely low weight. I think they just need to revise their standards. Clearly I was not remotely in a dangerous range. All I need is a picture to tell me that.

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the media may not cause eating disorders…

September 24, 2007 at 9:43 pm (Eating Disorder, Media, Rants) (, , , , , , , , )

…but it certainly doesn’t help. I keep thinking about the book Stick Figure by Lori Gottlieb. She keeps obsessing over a phrase from an ad ‘if you can pinch an inch’ (I think it was Special K or something). Anyway, that’s her obsession. Mine is an ad from several years back I think for some breakfast substitute that had the message you are what you eat. For example a guy in an office eating a donut was putting one around his waist. But the part that really stood out to me… a woman hailing a taxi with a pastry hanging from her arm. To me she was already really thin and pretty, but apparently because she had eaten breakfast, her arms were now huge and flabby and doughy. But she was skinnier than me, so what did that make MY arms? The media doesn’t cause eating disorders, I agree with that. But they damn sure don’t help. It was that one ad that taught me to hate my arms. That they would never be thin enough. That breakfast only makes you fatter. It’s an old ad, but to this day, it’s so so vivid to me. It’s not why I suffered anorexia nervosa, but you can’t say it didn’t leave a negative impression.

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