My second ER trip and new ED problems

January 23, 2008 at 1:26 am (Eating Disorder, Health, Rants) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Yesterday I went in for a follow up at the doctor’s office. My pain had gotten worse, my left kidney had started hurting bad, and I was severely dehydrated. Guess what? I get sent BACK to the ER. Only three days after going there initially. The doctor had run the usual tests (needle hole three in my right arm) and I came up showing infection in my blood lab and blood and infection in my urine. So over to the emergency room she sends me. I had the quickest triage interview ever before they took me back to a tiny little room. Kenny was with me and I knew he wouldn’t be happy spending the better part of the day sitting around, but that’s what he gets for having a very unhealthy girlfriend. They immediately start IV fluids, which always sucks. But I’m used to needles. Anyway, they take their own specimens and send me over for a CT. Apparently I had crystals in my urine when I was there Friday (which they neglected to mention because the UTI was the bigger concern) but this time my urine there was fine, although it had been really bad only a few hours earlier. The only thing was ketones, which is nothing new for me. Anyway, my CT was clean (they wanted to check for kidney stones because of the pain and crystals in the urine) so they basically didn’t know what to tell me except to keep taking the antibiotics. And drink lots of fluids, even if they make me sick. I’ve been using the laxatives since Friday (doctor’s recommendation) and I’m concerned that could become problematic with the eating disorder. I know they only cause loss of water weight, but it’s not that. It’s that empty feeling they give me. And I know I’m hurting myself. I’m not sure how to explain it. It’s like with the diet pills. I know they’re both unhealthy and don’t work, but it’s all mental. Good thing I see the therapist later. Because I’m not doing too well. Hopefully my kidney infection will clear up, I won’t actually have kidney stones, and I’ll be able to stop the laxxies before I mess myself up even more.

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How’s my new year starting out, you ask?

January 1, 2008 at 4:05 am (Eating Disorder, Health, Rants) (, , , , , , , , , )

I missed midnight because I was knocked out from two benadryl because the cherries I had with lunch did bad things to me. I get itchy all over my face, in my ears and throat and all swollen and blotchy. I don’t even know because the dietician at the hospital told me it is impossible to be allergic to fruit when I told her I thought I was. I love fruit anyway, so if it’s nothing, I’ll continue eating it. And benadryl makes me feel like I’m not even alive. I don’t feel like I’m breathing or my heart is beating. So it’s not hard to finally get some sleep. So yeah, I wake up at 2AM grumpy because my day sucked. I get on the computer. My disgusting mannequin has now made its way into proana collections. Which brings up all kinds of feelings. Guilt, disgust, shame, anger (<—- therapy speak, can you tell?) And for 2008, I’m already silently wondering how many more people will die, how quickly I’ll make a total relapse, how much lonlier I can get. I really want to take every person who makes a new years resolution to lose X amount of weight and smash their face in so they have something else to focus on improving. Why don’t people understand that instead of weight loss, they need to work on bad habits (ie compulsive eating), lifestyle changes, and HEALTH? ED sufferers would know, the more you focus on that number, the more of a failure you feel like. And you don’t have to have an eating disorder to experience that. I’m shaking right now, I’m so mad and scared and sad and I feel like I’m gonna throw up or something. I hope I’m not starting to have a panic attack because that’s kinda what it feels like.

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