I made it. I survived.

December 29, 2007 at 4:44 am (Eating Disorder, Happiness, Health) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

Thanksgiving is long gone. Christmas is finally over. I haven’t lost any weight. I haven’t gained any weight. I’m feeling relatively healthy. These things mean I (Karina) have been in control. ED hasn’t completely dictated how my holidays go. I’ve let myself eat. I’ve mostly chosen foods with at least some nutritional value. I’ve only run off to the bathroom to chew and spit twice. You know what? It happens. Part of recovery is messing up occasionally. The important part is *RECOVERING* from those slips and strengthening the healthy part of me. This kind of optimism out of me is almost sickening. Maybe it means I’m finally moving forward in recovery. Maybe the holiday spirit has possessed me a little too much. Maybe it’s just because I’ve forgotten to take my meds this past week. As long as it doesn’t nosedive, I’m not too worried. I’ll enjoy it.

As a side note, I had a couple experiences which have highlighted the importance of not letting the eating disorder rule my life any longer. I’ve fallen twice this past week. Not sure why, but I’m still a little weakened from that flu a few weeks ago. How cool is it that I don’t have osteoporosis? I’d be in big trouble by now. So that’s something I can do without. And I’m glad I haven’t gotten to that point. And last Sunday, Kenny (the bf) took me to a restaurant for lunch. I looked over the menu, debated between a few choices, placed my order, and enjoyed a meal. Just like a ‘normal’ person would. I tried a few bites of his food. I savored mine. We had a good time. And it felt good. That was probably the greatest Christmas present I could give myself- allowing myself to enjoy something that I should be enjoying anyway. It probably felt pretty good to him too.

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Dreading Christmas and missing Kingdom of Loathing

December 22, 2007 at 5:51 am (Eating Disorder, Rants) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

1. I’m NOT looking forward to Christmas. Why? Well, my mother keeps telling me how much it’s going to suck. I’ve been looking forward to it, but her (and my dad is guilty too) constant downtalking it has me filled with a huge sense of dread. She seems to think all I care about is presents. She still thinks that’s all that matters to me. And Christmas will be small this year. And I didn’t even care. The implication of her highlighting how bad Christmas will be just means she thinks so little of me. I must be a brat. All I care about is stuff… not family, relaxation, that holiday spirit. Nope. She makes me feel horrible because I really must be a worse person than even my depression tells me I am. Plus, for the first year in history she wants to fix a ‘Christmas dinner.’ At least if she had done it previously, I could have been off the hook for being active in my eating disorder and everybody knew it. But nope. She decides to make that dinner a big deal as soon as I’m supposedly in recovery. Thanks a lot Mom. I finally AM becoming the Grinch you’ve always claimed I was.

2. I still cry (yes, seriously shed tears) over the loss of my KoL account. Because not one person in my life could once take 30 seconds out of a day while I was ‘locked up’ in recovery to sign me in, just to keep my account active. Nope. I’m not sure if it’s normal to be this depressed over it (but maybe people who play would understand the deep attachment?) but I just can’t start a new character. Not right now. I’ll breakdown. And I had so many ascensions, so much cool stuff… Over two years. Gone. Just because nobody thought doing little things like that would matter. Yes, I explicitly asked people. Not like I expected them to think about my KoL addiction. So yeah… I literally have this void, where my character is disappeared, and I really do think in my next session I’ll address this because it can’t be normal.

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blah blah blah

November 10, 2007 at 4:37 am (Eating Disorder, Health, Rants) (, , , , , , , )

I’m not entirely sure what I should say. I know I said I’d post a blog about good things but there’s very little right now. Kenny (the boyfriend) came over for a couple days which was nice. But for the first time in a couple months, we had a go-around about my eating. Overall though it was good to have him over. I’ve been dehydrated, so I’m trying to fix that before I end up in the hospital. My dentist noticed it and my psychiatrist came to that conclusion when I was updating her on my heart. Which has been acting up the past couple weeks. And this heartburn… Ugh. I’ve been binging bad too. Which isn’t helping things. But at least nobody can complain right now about me not eating enough. Another plus. Anyway, I guess the point is how much hard work recovery is, and how easy it is to have different setbacks. Or something like that.

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Old pictures…

November 5, 2007 at 4:34 am (Eating Disorder, Health, Rants) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

I saw the few pictures that exist of me during the worst of my eating disorder and I still can’t see skinny. Most people look back and feel shocked at how they look. Maybe it hasn’t been long enough, or maybe I was right the whole time and there really was nothing wrong with me. And now… I put on pounds by the day. I don’t even want to leave the house anymore. I’m really in that binge eating phase that always happens several months in. I start going through recovery, everybody tells me how much better (fatter) I look, and then I think some biological switch gets flipped. It’ll maybe last a couple months tops, then it all spirals downward again until I find myself in treatment at supposedly an extremely low weight. I think they just need to revise their standards. Clearly I was not remotely in a dangerous range. All I need is a picture to tell me that.

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My ED sob stories.

October 29, 2007 at 3:37 am (Eating Disorder, Rants) (, , , , , , , , , )

I guess this is the blog where I get to tell some of my sad stories related to eating disorder. If you’re reading this and have an eating disorder or have watched a loved one suffer, I have no doubts you can relate. In fact, you can feel free to share your own either publicly or you can always email me. So here goes:

The first one I’ll share is when, shortly before going into the hospital (I think actually the week before) my dad had to go to the mall to have work on the van. So of course I tagged to shop and admittedly have a good excuse to walk more. As we were getting ready to leave, he asked if I wanted to go out do dinner. It was just one of those moments when my entire body froze up. Do I say yes? That would mean I actually get to do something with my dad but I’d have to struggle through eating. Not only eating, but doing it in front of an entire restaurant full of people. Do I decline? Doesn’t that just mean I miss out on a rare opportunity because of some stupid quirk of mine? (Yeah, I always just called it my quirk.) I decided we should go to Bahama Breeze. Anyway, I’m not getting into my food choices but I did manage to eat a little and surprisingly enjoyed myself. The thing is, I don’t get to do a lot of things with my dad, so that was something special, and I’ll be damned if I’m not going to fight to make it count for something good. But there was still that stupid voice in my head the entire time, distracting me some from what should have been an awesome father/daughter dinner.

My next one’s similar, except with my boyfriend at Olive Garden. And he wasn’t passive/in denial that there was something wrong with me. The night ended up in tears on both sides.

During my stay IP, my grandfather in Florida (whose health had been rapidly declining anyway) died. Instead of a family session, I got time to sob with my dad and brother. My mom was at the airport picking her parents up (they were coincidently visiting from Germany). So I get to go on leave for one grandfather’s funeral.

Which kinda leads me to the next bad thing. The German grandfather snapped a picture of me on our way back (stupid picture won’t upload correctly), right before they dropped me off again before all heading home. I got out right before they flew back home. It ended up being the last time I saw Opa because he died of an aneurism back in early July. So yeah, the last time he sees me is during/right after coming out of treatment. And while we were over there for the funeral my cousin was telling me how worried he had been about me. Apparantly he talked about that a lot.

That’s a crude rundown of the sad stuff that comes to mind right now. Not too eloquently stated, but I still think you understand the point. There are SO many more stories I could tell… fights with boyfriend, family friends… mean comments from complete strangers. But I guess these are the ones that really hit hard. Anyway, I think sometime later I’ll tell a few happy stories. About the makeover I got from Michelle, and seeing Nightmare Before Christmas in 3D!!!

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