I made it. I survived.

December 29, 2007 at 4:44 am (Eating Disorder, Happiness, Health) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

Thanksgiving is long gone. Christmas is finally over. I haven’t lost any weight. I haven’t gained any weight. I’m feeling relatively healthy. These things mean I (Karina) have been in control. ED hasn’t completely dictated how my holidays go. I’ve let myself eat. I’ve mostly chosen foods with at least some nutritional value. I’ve only run off to the bathroom to chew and spit twice. You know what? It happens. Part of recovery is messing up occasionally. The important part is *RECOVERING* from those slips and strengthening the healthy part of me. This kind of optimism out of me is almost sickening. Maybe it means I’m finally moving forward in recovery. Maybe the holiday spirit has possessed me a little too much. Maybe it’s just because I’ve forgotten to take my meds this past week. As long as it doesn’t nosedive, I’m not too worried. I’ll enjoy it.

As a side note, I had a couple experiences which have highlighted the importance of not letting the eating disorder rule my life any longer. I’ve fallen twice this past week. Not sure why, but I’m still a little weakened from that flu a few weeks ago. How cool is it that I don’t have osteoporosis? I’d be in big trouble by now. So that’s something I can do without. And I’m glad I haven’t gotten to that point. And last Sunday, Kenny (the bf) took me to a restaurant for lunch. I looked over the menu, debated between a few choices, placed my order, and enjoyed a meal. Just like a ‘normal’ person would. I tried a few bites of his food. I savored mine. We had a good time. And it felt good. That was probably the greatest Christmas present I could give myself- allowing myself to enjoy something that I should be enjoying anyway. It probably felt pretty good to him too.

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My body feels like it’s falling apart.

October 11, 2007 at 5:54 am (Eating Disorder, Happiness, Health) (, , , , , , , , )

So I finally got over that flu. And when I went to the doctor for my latest follow-up, she gave me more antibiotics for my sinus infection, which I don’t think will ever go away. I’ve taken so many antibiotics just the past three months… And they always really mess up my system. So of course my eating hasn’t been too great. And I finally decided to pull out the diet pills again, because I just can’t stop thinking about them. It’s funny how my attitude on that has changed so much. I don’t care whether they work or not, it’s just a comfort. A mental comfort to me. My way of not purging. Anyway, I had stopped taking them for a while because I got scared when I had a seizure. Of course I haven’t told anybody the reason for it, and I’m really really really scared something’s major wrong with my heart. A couple weeks ago, I really thought I was having an actual heart attack. I finally managed I think to go to sleep or something, maybe I passed out, but whatever it was, I don’t think it was good. And I haven’t been quite right since then. But I finally had to give in to the temptation, even though I know it’s killing me. Even though I know starvation sucks. Even though I know it’s going to cost me what little I have left. I dunno, one day I’ll finally get the recovery thing right or die trying. Not to worry, I’m rooting for the recovery personally! I guess right now I’m just not ready. I’ll keep working at it again, and try when I actually feel in a good way, because I don’t think I can handle another relapse. In the mean time, I’ll just keep doing what I can to minimize the damage, I guess. Vitamins help. I finally went out and bought more, and I’m already noticing a little less bruising, a little more energy… Hopefully my next labs will reflect at least minimal improvement.

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