I made it. I survived.

December 29, 2007 at 4:44 am (Eating Disorder, Happiness, Health) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

Thanksgiving is long gone. Christmas is finally over. I haven’t lost any weight. I haven’t gained any weight. I’m feeling relatively healthy. These things mean I (Karina) have been in control. ED hasn’t completely dictated how my holidays go. I’ve let myself eat. I’ve mostly chosen foods with at least some nutritional value. I’ve only run off to the bathroom to chew and spit twice. You know what? It happens. Part of recovery is messing up occasionally. The important part is *RECOVERING* from those slips and strengthening the healthy part of me. This kind of optimism out of me is almost sickening. Maybe it means I’m finally moving forward in recovery. Maybe the holiday spirit has possessed me a little too much. Maybe it’s just because I’ve forgotten to take my meds this past week. As long as it doesn’t nosedive, I’m not too worried. I’ll enjoy it.

As a side note, I had a couple experiences which have highlighted the importance of not letting the eating disorder rule my life any longer. I’ve fallen twice this past week. Not sure why, but I’m still a little weakened from that flu a few weeks ago. How cool is it that I don’t have osteoporosis? I’d be in big trouble by now. So that’s something I can do without. And I’m glad I haven’t gotten to that point. And last Sunday, Kenny (the bf) took me to a restaurant for lunch. I looked over the menu, debated between a few choices, placed my order, and enjoyed a meal. Just like a ‘normal’ person would. I tried a few bites of his food. I savored mine. We had a good time. And it felt good. That was probably the greatest Christmas present I could give myself- allowing myself to enjoy something that I should be enjoying anyway. It probably felt pretty good to him too.


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sometimes, it’s good to share someone else’s joy

October 1, 2007 at 9:02 pm (Happiness) (, , , , , , )

Today has been pretty crappy for me. I couldn’t sleep, my stomach was so sick (subjective binging, another topic for another day), I’m recovering from the flu… I finally managed to get a little sleep, got up, took Nyquil, and decided to let that make me feel good. See, Nyquil doesn’t knock me out, it wires me. It makes me high. Anyway, so Kenny (my boyfriend) called a few hours ago to tell me that he finally has his car fixed and got the emissions and tags done earlier! Obviously that’s good for me since that means he has a working, legal car to drive, but I just let myself bask in his joy for a while since I had nothing else. And you know what? It worked. I ate dinner. I didn’t feel sick or sad from it (not more than any typical day). I actually spent a little time with my mom and we got along. The lesson here is when there’s nothing good happening to you, it’s okay to steal a little of somebody else’s sunshine when you need it.

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