How’s my new year starting out, you ask?

January 1, 2008 at 4:05 am (Eating Disorder, Health, Rants) (, , , , , , , , , )

I missed midnight because I was knocked out from two benadryl because the cherries I had with lunch did bad things to me. I get itchy all over my face, in my ears and throat and all swollen and blotchy. I don’t even know because the dietician at the hospital told me it is impossible to be allergic to fruit when I told her I thought I was. I love fruit anyway, so if it’s nothing, I’ll continue eating it. And benadryl makes me feel like I’m not even alive. I don’t feel like I’m breathing or my heart is beating. So it’s not hard to finally get some sleep. So yeah, I wake up at 2AM grumpy because my day sucked. I get on the computer. My disgusting mannequin has now made its way into proana collections. Which brings up all kinds of feelings. Guilt, disgust, shame, anger (<—- therapy speak, can you tell?) And for 2008, I’m already silently wondering how many more people will die, how quickly I’ll make a total relapse, how much lonlier I can get. I really want to take every person who makes a new years resolution to lose X amount of weight and smash their face in so they have something else to focus on improving. Why don’t people understand that instead of weight loss, they need to work on bad habits (ie compulsive eating), lifestyle changes, and HEALTH? ED sufferers would know, the more you focus on that number, the more of a failure you feel like. And you don’t have to have an eating disorder to experience that. I’m shaking right now, I’m so mad and scared and sad and I feel like I’m gonna throw up or something. I hope I’m not starting to have a panic attack because that’s kinda what it feels like.

Permalink 4 Comments

that bulimia hostage ad…

December 22, 2007 at 6:35 am (Eating Disorder, Health, Media, Rants) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Since it seems to be a big topic right now, I figured I’d throw my two cents in. Why are people so critical of that series of ads? So maybe bulimia wasn’t my eating disorder, but don’t they kinda hold the sufferer hostage? That’s how I’ve always felt, with my depression, OCD, ED… My parents would back me up. They ‘just wanted their daughter back.’ Same with my brother’s ADHD. Hostage is exactly how it feels. Was it a little extreme? Of course. Tasteless? Nope. True? Yes.

At least it got some attention and discussion to the issue.

Permalink 2 Comments

Dreading Christmas and missing Kingdom of Loathing

December 22, 2007 at 5:51 am (Eating Disorder, Rants) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

1. I’m NOT looking forward to Christmas. Why? Well, my mother keeps telling me how much it’s going to suck. I’ve been looking forward to it, but her (and my dad is guilty too) constant downtalking it has me filled with a huge sense of dread. She seems to think all I care about is presents. She still thinks that’s all that matters to me. And Christmas will be small this year. And I didn’t even care. The implication of her highlighting how bad Christmas will be just means she thinks so little of me. I must be a brat. All I care about is stuff… not family, relaxation, that holiday spirit. Nope. She makes me feel horrible because I really must be a worse person than even my depression tells me I am. Plus, for the first year in history she wants to fix a ‘Christmas dinner.’ At least if she had done it previously, I could have been off the hook for being active in my eating disorder and everybody knew it. But nope. She decides to make that dinner a big deal as soon as I’m supposedly in recovery. Thanks a lot Mom. I finally AM becoming the Grinch you’ve always claimed I was.

2. I still cry (yes, seriously shed tears) over the loss of my KoL account. Because not one person in my life could once take 30 seconds out of a day while I was ‘locked up’ in recovery to sign me in, just to keep my account active. Nope. I’m not sure if it’s normal to be this depressed over it (but maybe people who play would understand the deep attachment?) but I just can’t start a new character. Not right now. I’ll breakdown. And I had so many ascensions, so much cool stuff… Over two years. Gone. Just because nobody thought doing little things like that would matter. Yes, I explicitly asked people. Not like I expected them to think about my KoL addiction. So yeah… I literally have this void, where my character is disappeared, and I really do think in my next session I’ll address this because it can’t be normal.

Permalink Leave a Comment

Old pictures…

November 5, 2007 at 4:34 am (Eating Disorder, Health, Rants) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

I saw the few pictures that exist of me during the worst of my eating disorder and I still can’t see skinny. Most people look back and feel shocked at how they look. Maybe it hasn’t been long enough, or maybe I was right the whole time and there really was nothing wrong with me. And now… I put on pounds by the day. I don’t even want to leave the house anymore. I’m really in that binge eating phase that always happens several months in. I start going through recovery, everybody tells me how much better (fatter) I look, and then I think some biological switch gets flipped. It’ll maybe last a couple months tops, then it all spirals downward again until I find myself in treatment at supposedly an extremely low weight. I think they just need to revise their standards. Clearly I was not remotely in a dangerous range. All I need is a picture to tell me that.

Permalink 3 Comments

It’s finally time to get this going!

September 23, 2007 at 10:13 pm (Boredom) (, , , , )

Just a little of the boring stuff about me for my first post I guess. I’m a very messed up person. I’m trying to recover from anorexia nervosa, bipolar, and a whole host of other mental disorders. Physically, I’m also a mess. That tends to be the majority of my blogging, mostly eating disorder stuff. Just because. I’m also very musical. I once studied opera. Can’t do it much anymore though. I also play flute and am working on the keyboard again. I’ve tried to write when I was younger, mostly teenage angst emo poetry, but what do you expect out of a depressed teenager? I would say I’ve grown out of it, but that’s not really true. I just decided that everything I wrote sucked too much to keep writing it. So I stopped. Lately I haven’t done much of anything to cope though. Don’t expect greatness out of me. All I have to offer is the same old tired eating disorder and depression rants, basically because I have nowhere else to get that stuff out.

Permalink 1 Comment