My second ER trip and new ED problems

January 23, 2008 at 1:26 am (Eating Disorder, Health, Rants) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Yesterday I went in for a follow up at the doctor’s office. My pain had gotten worse, my left kidney had started hurting bad, and I was severely dehydrated. Guess what? I get sent BACK to the ER. Only three days after going there initially. The doctor had run the usual tests (needle hole three in my right arm) and I came up showing infection in my blood lab and blood and infection in my urine. So over to the emergency room she sends me. I had the quickest triage interview ever before they took me back to a tiny little room. Kenny was with me and I knew he wouldn’t be happy spending the better part of the day sitting around, but that’s what he gets for having a very unhealthy girlfriend. They immediately start IV fluids, which always sucks. But I’m used to needles. Anyway, they take their own specimens and send me over for a CT. Apparently I had crystals in my urine when I was there Friday (which they neglected to mention because the UTI was the bigger concern) but this time my urine there was fine, although it had been really bad only a few hours earlier. The only thing was ketones, which is nothing new for me. Anyway, my CT was clean (they wanted to check for kidney stones because of the pain and crystals in the urine) so they basically didn’t know what to tell me except to keep taking the antibiotics. And drink lots of fluids, even if they make me sick. I’ve been using the laxatives since Friday (doctor’s recommendation) and I’m concerned that could become problematic with the eating disorder. I know they only cause loss of water weight, but it’s not that. It’s that empty feeling they give me. And I know I’m hurting myself. I’m not sure how to explain it. It’s like with the diet pills. I know they’re both unhealthy and don’t work, but it’s all mental. Good thing I see the therapist later. Because I’m not doing too well. Hopefully my kidney infection will clear up, I won’t actually have kidney stones, and I’ll be able to stop the laxxies before I mess myself up even more.

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Size doesn’t matter.

December 30, 2007 at 3:41 am (Eating Disorder, Health, Rants) (, , , , , , )

And this post isn’t what you think. What I want to talk about is the ‘sickest’ game. You don’t have to have an emaciated BMI to be really sick. To have lifelong effects. For one, not every eating disorder makes the sufferer ‘skinny.’ Contrary to popular belief, bulimia usually doesn’t look scrawny. But everybody knows it is extremely dangerous. There are also binge-eating and compulsive overeating, which don’t tend to cause weight loss. Even with ‘restrictive eating,’ not everybody gets to extreme weights. That doesn’t mean they aren’t just as sick. You can have all the same health problems associated with that emaciated, feeding tube look without even being close. Please people… just remember that EDNOS (just a stupid diagnostic classification) is dangerous and deserves just as much treatment and understanding. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE BMI 17.5 OR BELOW TO BE VERY VERY SICK.

That said, I think I’m done blogging in the middle of the night. My thoughts don’t seem nearly as organized and coherent as they should be.

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I made it. I survived.

December 29, 2007 at 4:44 am (Eating Disorder, Happiness, Health) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

Thanksgiving is long gone. Christmas is finally over. I haven’t lost any weight. I haven’t gained any weight. I’m feeling relatively healthy. These things mean I (Karina) have been in control. ED hasn’t completely dictated how my holidays go. I’ve let myself eat. I’ve mostly chosen foods with at least some nutritional value. I’ve only run off to the bathroom to chew and spit twice. You know what? It happens. Part of recovery is messing up occasionally. The important part is *RECOVERING* from those slips and strengthening the healthy part of me. This kind of optimism out of me is almost sickening. Maybe it means I’m finally moving forward in recovery. Maybe the holiday spirit has possessed me a little too much. Maybe it’s just because I’ve forgotten to take my meds this past week. As long as it doesn’t nosedive, I’m not too worried. I’ll enjoy it.

As a side note, I had a couple experiences which have highlighted the importance of not letting the eating disorder rule my life any longer. I’ve fallen twice this past week. Not sure why, but I’m still a little weakened from that flu a few weeks ago. How cool is it that I don’t have osteoporosis? I’d be in big trouble by now. So that’s something I can do without. And I’m glad I haven’t gotten to that point. And last Sunday, Kenny (the bf) took me to a restaurant for lunch. I looked over the menu, debated between a few choices, placed my order, and enjoyed a meal. Just like a ‘normal’ person would. I tried a few bites of his food. I savored mine. We had a good time. And it felt good. That was probably the greatest Christmas present I could give myself- allowing myself to enjoy something that I should be enjoying anyway. It probably felt pretty good to him too.

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that bulimia hostage ad…

December 22, 2007 at 6:35 am (Eating Disorder, Health, Media, Rants) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Since it seems to be a big topic right now, I figured I’d throw my two cents in. Why are people so critical of that series of ads? So maybe bulimia wasn’t my eating disorder, but don’t they kinda hold the sufferer hostage? That’s how I’ve always felt, with my depression, OCD, ED… My parents would back me up. They ‘just wanted their daughter back.’ Same with my brother’s ADHD. Hostage is exactly how it feels. Was it a little extreme? Of course. Tasteless? Nope. True? Yes.

At least it got some attention and discussion to the issue.

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the shameful, disgusting side of eating disorders…

December 11, 2007 at 1:55 am (Eating Disorder, Health) (, , , , , , )

****triggering****
Just for your information, READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. If you’re easily triggered, I’m begging you to turn away. You won’t read anything you aren’t all too familiar with. If you have academic interest or are just curious about eating disorders, this will give you an all too real look at what it’s like. If you’re reading this because you think eating disorders are somehow glamourous (I hope that problem is just overblown) please think about what I have to say. See that it’s not beautiful at all.

For being ‘in recovery’ I’m pretty friggin pathetic. Between ‘mini-binges’, restricting (to make up for that), secret exercising, diet pills, and tonight I suddenly added two more failures to the list.

1. Chewing and spitting. I’ve been fighting off night time compulsions to eat, but I got the idea to just chew it to try and satisfy cravings. So I grabbed a little bit of chocolate, sat over the toilet chewing, fighting the natural swallowing reflex, then finally spit it out. Which of course is disgusting on it’s own, not counting the fact that you’re right over a toilet your teenage brother uses frequently (yuck). So then I flush away the spit, with it running down my chin. I know what I’m doing is unhealthy and gross. I wash my face and hands, brush my teeth then go back to watching House. But what if I still ingested calories from it? Afterall, chocolate is one of my bigger fears. Well…

2. I tried to purge. I say try because it’s hard to truly purge when there’s nothing there to begin with. All I ended up with was a little bit of acid, a little bit of blood (my nails are long which can sometimes cut), a little bit of brown spit. Oh, and a sore throat, heart palpitations, and the knowledge that I just did yet another very unhealthy and extremely disgusting thing. Plus, it hurts. It’s scary, because purging is not somewhere I want to go. I’ve never had a problem with it (it’s been very infrequently that I’ve ever done it) but it’s a very real threat right now. And that’ll just cause an entirely new set of problems. Just… please, if you don’t have an eating disorder do everything you can to avoid it. If you think you have one, get help. It’s not pretty, it’s not fun, and it’s deadly. I’m just going to focus on letting this be an isolated incident, and keep working toward getting this recovery thing right.

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the downfalls of ED diagnoses

September 27, 2007 at 10:23 pm (Eating Disorder, Rants) (, , , , , , , )

This is kinda a two-parter, but they both came up related in therapy earlier today. First, I’ll talk about my own feelings about my diagnosis. I guess I’ve mostly avoided talking (especially in person) about having anorexia nervosa. I usually just reference my ‘eating problems.’ The other day I was looking at my medical records online. I found my visit back in March when I had the follow up EKG, and the addendum was diagnosis: anorexia nervosa. I don’t know why, just seeing it written was weird. Maybe you know what I’m talking about? Just that I’m too aware everyday that I don’t have a healthy relationship with food and all, but anorexia just feels so different. So drastic. So specific. Especially when you’re still in the mindset of being EDNOS, because that’s technically where I’ve fallen since my last recovery failed. But SEEING it is so definite. And more real than I’m really comfortable with.

The other issue IS specific diagnoses versus EDNOS. The fact that EDNOS is a catch-all for anybody not clinically anorexic or bulimic. Usually it gets taken less seriously, get less attention, and less coverage for treatment. A diagnosis of EDNOS can doom any attempts to get treated before it turns into full-blown whatever, because a lot of times insurance doesn’t do much for that category. I’m glad to read about how different things that fall into EDNOS have been considered for a separate diagnosis, but the real issue is that the insurance companies should be pushed harder to cover all eating disorders better, especially EDNOS. Just think of how many lives could be that much better for it!

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the truth about Ana and Mia

September 23, 2007 at 10:43 pm (Eating Disorder, Rants) (, , , , , , )

Ana= anorexia nervosa. Mia= bulimia.

Well, in theory anyway. I’m not going to get into the whole pro-ana debate right now, but I do want to express my pet peeves about diagnostic technicalities that too many people don’t know or ignore.

In order to be considered anorexic, you must have a BMI under 17.5 (lower if you’re a child or teenager). I’m sorry, but if your BMI is higher, you’re diagnostically EDNOS, NOT anorexic. Do note though, EDNOS is still hell, still dangerous. Just because you don’t have a certain BMI doesn’t mean you’re not really sick. I’m not saying EDNOS is less serious than anorexia nervosa, it’s just a different diagnosis, which is in this case based on weight/height.

In order to be bulimic, you have to binge. Bulimia is not throwing up when you do eat. That’s called purging. To be diagnosed with bulimia, you have to BINGE and purge at a certain frequency. If you don’t binge, you’re not bulimic. Period. You’re probably EDNOS.

Sorry, but these details bug me. It bothers me every time I see some ‘Ana’ girl throwing around the word anorexic at perfectly normal weights (again, you can be sick even at ‘healthy’ weights) and girls calling themselves ‘Mia’ because they threw up a couple times and don’t binge. If they would be diagnosed with anything it would be (again) EDNOS. Which is pretty much always how eating disorders start out (just so you don’t accuse me of elitism). With all of that said, I’m going to bed.

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