the shameful, disgusting side of eating disorders…

December 11, 2007 at 1:55 am (Eating Disorder, Health) (, , , , , , )

****triggering****
Just for your information, READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. If you’re easily triggered, I’m begging you to turn away. You won’t read anything you aren’t all too familiar with. If you have academic interest or are just curious about eating disorders, this will give you an all too real look at what it’s like. If you’re reading this because you think eating disorders are somehow glamourous (I hope that problem is just overblown) please think about what I have to say. See that it’s not beautiful at all.

For being ‘in recovery’ I’m pretty friggin pathetic. Between ‘mini-binges’, restricting (to make up for that), secret exercising, diet pills, and tonight I suddenly added two more failures to the list.

1. Chewing and spitting. I’ve been fighting off night time compulsions to eat, but I got the idea to just chew it to try and satisfy cravings. So I grabbed a little bit of chocolate, sat over the toilet chewing, fighting the natural swallowing reflex, then finally spit it out. Which of course is disgusting on it’s own, not counting the fact that you’re right over a toilet your teenage brother uses frequently (yuck). So then I flush away the spit, with it running down my chin. I know what I’m doing is unhealthy and gross. I wash my face and hands, brush my teeth then go back to watching House. But what if I still ingested calories from it? Afterall, chocolate is one of my bigger fears. Well…

2. I tried to purge. I say try because it’s hard to truly purge when there’s nothing there to begin with. All I ended up with was a little bit of acid, a little bit of blood (my nails are long which can sometimes cut), a little bit of brown spit. Oh, and a sore throat, heart palpitations, and the knowledge that I just did yet another very unhealthy and extremely disgusting thing. Plus, it hurts. It’s scary, because purging is not somewhere I want to go. I’ve never had a problem with it (it’s been very infrequently that I’ve ever done it) but it’s a very real threat right now. And that’ll just cause an entirely new set of problems. Just… please, if you don’t have an eating disorder do everything you can to avoid it. If you think you have one, get help. It’s not pretty, it’s not fun, and it’s deadly. I’m just going to focus on letting this be an isolated incident, and keep working toward getting this recovery thing right.

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Biopsy results are in (and other updates)

December 10, 2007 at 12:36 am (Happiness, Health, Randomness, Rants) (, , , )

The biopsy turned out fine. The just want me back in a few months for a follow up to be safe, but it looks like I dodged that one. And the pain and bleeding and all only lasted a few days. Not as big a deal as I had anticipated. That was probably my biggest relief… when I picked up the phone to hear the nurse tell me the good news.

I’m on yet more meds. Yet more side effects (but the benefits are far greater). And I’m actually remembering to take them!

I’m due for another EKG. Last time I went in for sinusitis she had talked about doing another one (since they always ask about everything else concerning overall health.) I probably need it, but honestly, I’m sick of them. Same with needles. They take too much blood. And doctors in general. There really should be a limit to how many times you have to go. Oh, and antibiotics. Seems like every time I go, they give me some. And it’s always the same one. And always the one that makes my stomach really sick.

On a happier note, I refused to weigh when I went in for the biopsy. And the therapist and psychiatrist both supported my decision. (The poor girl, I even refused backward weighing because I’m just sick of my weight constantly being up for scrutiny.) And my sinusitis finally seems to be cleared up. Chronic infection can kiss my lily white butt.

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The most disgusting anorexia trigger ever.

November 18, 2007 at 7:37 am (Eating Disorder, Media, Rants) (, , , , , , , , , )

I’m not just talking about mannequins that are about half the size of normal humans. I’m talking about SKELETAL mannequins. Literally.

mannequin3.jpg

Thank you Macy’s. I don’t know if other stores have these bony ones (Macy’s is the only store I’ve ever seen THIS at) but this crosses a line. I hate that ‘oh mannequins are just supposed to be an abstract way of showing off clothing’ but when you stick protruding bones on them, they go from ‘abstract’ (I still just see major triggers since they’re in a human shape showing clothing I’m supposed to be trying to look that good in too) to downright sick and disgusting. Clearly the people who designed these, the people who thought they’d be perfect in the store for display… none of those people have EVER been touched by an eating disorder, have they? Because if they knew the hell people go through while looking like that (or working for that) they’d be just as disgusted as I am and I hope you are too. I’ve been brainstorming things to do. Maybe stand right by one at the store entrance and just hand out pamphlets about eating disorders? I don’t want to break laws, and if I get asked to leave, I will but I absolutely HAVE to do something about this. Enough lives have been lost and ruined because of that exact thing right up there. Join me in fighting this, please. For yourself, your sister, best friend, mother, daughter, girlfriend…

WE DON’T DESERVE TO FEEL THIS WAY!

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I’m so sick.

November 14, 2007 at 5:23 am (Eating Disorder, Health, Rants) (, , , , , , , , )

My sinus infection is back worse than it’s ever been. Trying a new treatment, but it’s just giving me headaches and nosebleeds, and doing nothing about the fever. I’m munching Tums, Mylanta, Pepcid like candy and neither my heartburn nor nausea are getting better. Eating helps the nausea some but increases the heartburn. Not eating helps the heartburn some but increases the nausea. So the worst thing of all…. food is the center of everything. And that’s just the physical battleground. Since it’s been sinking in more and more, I’m back and forth between binging and restricting. I binge because I don’t know what else to do. I binge because I’m scared that the next time I get really sick again, that’ll be the last time somebody sees me. Grandpa Brown saw me last New Year’s, when I couldn’t even stand up and they had to find me a chair (he was in a care center) so I could sit and the entire time instead of spending what would be the last time I’d see him talking, I was obsessing over the Blizzards we were eating. The last time he’d ever see me… And Opa got the joy of seeing me in/fresh out of the hospital. Then a few months later he dies. And it scares me that it’ll happen again. On the other hand, I restrict because I don’t know what else to do. I feel so disgusting. I actually have been gaining weight again. And people are very quick to point it out. My mother binges and I’m so scared to be like her. Restricting just seems to be the ultimate way to not be her. I have never felt so undesirable in my life. Because putting on that recovery weight… it’s flabby, disproportionate, awkward… It’s not like I have a nice face to help make up for it. So physically there’s nothing there. And no matter what people say, it’s proven time and again that beauty really does get you ahead. Now I’m fat, ugly, and miserable to be around. I’m scared to go to Kenny’s later. Because I’m scared that I get more and more unattractive to him every time I see him. Not to mention getting sicker and sicker every day. It’s wearing me down fast.

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blah blah blah

November 10, 2007 at 4:37 am (Eating Disorder, Health, Rants) (, , , , , , , )

I’m not entirely sure what I should say. I know I said I’d post a blog about good things but there’s very little right now. Kenny (the boyfriend) came over for a couple days which was nice. But for the first time in a couple months, we had a go-around about my eating. Overall though it was good to have him over. I’ve been dehydrated, so I’m trying to fix that before I end up in the hospital. My dentist noticed it and my psychiatrist came to that conclusion when I was updating her on my heart. Which has been acting up the past couple weeks. And this heartburn… Ugh. I’ve been binging bad too. Which isn’t helping things. But at least nobody can complain right now about me not eating enough. Another plus. Anyway, I guess the point is how much hard work recovery is, and how easy it is to have different setbacks. Or something like that.

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Old pictures…

November 5, 2007 at 4:34 am (Eating Disorder, Health, Rants) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

I saw the few pictures that exist of me during the worst of my eating disorder and I still can’t see skinny. Most people look back and feel shocked at how they look. Maybe it hasn’t been long enough, or maybe I was right the whole time and there really was nothing wrong with me. And now… I put on pounds by the day. I don’t even want to leave the house anymore. I’m really in that binge eating phase that always happens several months in. I start going through recovery, everybody tells me how much better (fatter) I look, and then I think some biological switch gets flipped. It’ll maybe last a couple months tops, then it all spirals downward again until I find myself in treatment at supposedly an extremely low weight. I think they just need to revise their standards. Clearly I was not remotely in a dangerous range. All I need is a picture to tell me that.

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My ED sob stories.

October 29, 2007 at 3:37 am (Eating Disorder, Rants) (, , , , , , , , , )

I guess this is the blog where I get to tell some of my sad stories related to eating disorder. If you’re reading this and have an eating disorder or have watched a loved one suffer, I have no doubts you can relate. In fact, you can feel free to share your own either publicly or you can always email me. So here goes:

The first one I’ll share is when, shortly before going into the hospital (I think actually the week before) my dad had to go to the mall to have work on the van. So of course I tagged to shop and admittedly have a good excuse to walk more. As we were getting ready to leave, he asked if I wanted to go out do dinner. It was just one of those moments when my entire body froze up. Do I say yes? That would mean I actually get to do something with my dad but I’d have to struggle through eating. Not only eating, but doing it in front of an entire restaurant full of people. Do I decline? Doesn’t that just mean I miss out on a rare opportunity because of some stupid quirk of mine? (Yeah, I always just called it my quirk.) I decided we should go to Bahama Breeze. Anyway, I’m not getting into my food choices but I did manage to eat a little and surprisingly enjoyed myself. The thing is, I don’t get to do a lot of things with my dad, so that was something special, and I’ll be damned if I’m not going to fight to make it count for something good. But there was still that stupid voice in my head the entire time, distracting me some from what should have been an awesome father/daughter dinner.

My next one’s similar, except with my boyfriend at Olive Garden. And he wasn’t passive/in denial that there was something wrong with me. The night ended up in tears on both sides.

During my stay IP, my grandfather in Florida (whose health had been rapidly declining anyway) died. Instead of a family session, I got time to sob with my dad and brother. My mom was at the airport picking her parents up (they were coincidently visiting from Germany). So I get to go on leave for one grandfather’s funeral.

Which kinda leads me to the next bad thing. The German grandfather snapped a picture of me on our way back (stupid picture won’t upload correctly), right before they dropped me off again before all heading home. I got out right before they flew back home. It ended up being the last time I saw Opa because he died of an aneurism back in early July. So yeah, the last time he sees me is during/right after coming out of treatment. And while we were over there for the funeral my cousin was telling me how worried he had been about me. Apparantly he talked about that a lot.

That’s a crude rundown of the sad stuff that comes to mind right now. Not too eloquently stated, but I still think you understand the point. There are SO many more stories I could tell… fights with boyfriend, family friends… mean comments from complete strangers. But I guess these are the ones that really hit hard. Anyway, I think sometime later I’ll tell a few happy stories. About the makeover I got from Michelle, and seeing Nightmare Before Christmas in 3D!!!

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makeover…

October 22, 2007 at 9:36 pm (Randomness) (, , , , , )

Michelle elected me to go out and get a makeover. She was asking me about getting a haircut. So I said I’d think about it, and I’ve ended up finding a couple good ideas. Now, the hard part, if you look up information about haircuts, is that everything depends on face shape. There are so many problems with this. I seem, by all calculations, to be a dead mix between ‘oblong’ and ‘heart’ shaped. Plus, put ten pounds on me again, and I’ll look totally different anyway. Fortunately, everything I’ve found about oblong and heart styles seems pretty similar. Then I went to one of those makeover websites, and actually found a couple looks I like, even though I’m still nervous they won’t look nearly so good in reality… Well, I still have a couple days to figure it out, but I’m open to any feedback.Hairstyle 1Hairstyle 2

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My body feels like it’s falling apart.

October 11, 2007 at 5:54 am (Eating Disorder, Happiness, Health) (, , , , , , , , )

So I finally got over that flu. And when I went to the doctor for my latest follow-up, she gave me more antibiotics for my sinus infection, which I don’t think will ever go away. I’ve taken so many antibiotics just the past three months… And they always really mess up my system. So of course my eating hasn’t been too great. And I finally decided to pull out the diet pills again, because I just can’t stop thinking about them. It’s funny how my attitude on that has changed so much. I don’t care whether they work or not, it’s just a comfort. A mental comfort to me. My way of not purging. Anyway, I had stopped taking them for a while because I got scared when I had a seizure. Of course I haven’t told anybody the reason for it, and I’m really really really scared something’s major wrong with my heart. A couple weeks ago, I really thought I was having an actual heart attack. I finally managed I think to go to sleep or something, maybe I passed out, but whatever it was, I don’t think it was good. And I haven’t been quite right since then. But I finally had to give in to the temptation, even though I know it’s killing me. Even though I know starvation sucks. Even though I know it’s going to cost me what little I have left. I dunno, one day I’ll finally get the recovery thing right or die trying. Not to worry, I’m rooting for the recovery personally! I guess right now I’m just not ready. I’ll keep working at it again, and try when I actually feel in a good way, because I don’t think I can handle another relapse. In the mean time, I’ll just keep doing what I can to minimize the damage, I guess. Vitamins help. I finally went out and bought more, and I’m already noticing a little less bruising, a little more energy… Hopefully my next labs will reflect at least minimal improvement.

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sometimes, it’s good to share someone else’s joy

October 1, 2007 at 9:02 pm (Happiness) (, , , , , , )

Today has been pretty crappy for me. I couldn’t sleep, my stomach was so sick (subjective binging, another topic for another day), I’m recovering from the flu… I finally managed to get a little sleep, got up, took Nyquil, and decided to let that make me feel good. See, Nyquil doesn’t knock me out, it wires me. It makes me high. Anyway, so Kenny (my boyfriend) called a few hours ago to tell me that he finally has his car fixed and got the emissions and tags done earlier! Obviously that’s good for me since that means he has a working, legal car to drive, but I just let myself bask in his joy for a while since I had nothing else. And you know what? It worked. I ate dinner. I didn’t feel sick or sad from it (not more than any typical day). I actually spent a little time with my mom and we got along. The lesson here is when there’s nothing good happening to you, it’s okay to steal a little of somebody else’s sunshine when you need it.

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