Third time wasn’t a charm.

February 3, 2008 at 11:54 pm (Eating Disorder, Happiness, Health, Randomness, Rants) (, , , , , , )

So on Thursday I went back to the doctor since the kidney infection hadn’t cleared up. She gave me a different antibiotic (Cipro) and told me to come back in a week for a follow up. We went and filled my prescription. I took the first two doses, and after that it all went downhill. I was up all night with severe vomiting and diarrhea. I was in so much pain. In the morning I called the doctor’s office and left a message. Unfortunately it was Friday, so I’ve had to wait too long to hear back from them. I’m now in severe pain all over, still having bad vomiting and abdominal pain, and I’m questioning whether I should still be taking the Cipro. I’m hoping to hear back from them in the morning (it’s Sunday night now.) I’m still having symptoms of the infection, so it may not even be working (or it hasn’t stayed in me long enough to absorb.) This story still hasn’t found an ending, but hopefully it will soon.

On the ED front, I’ve been too sick to be active in any behaviors. Can’t chew/spit, laxatives are pointless, eating is painful and pointless, and I honestly don’t usually feel well enough to worry about any of those right now. But when I was in therapy Wednesday we came up with a plan to cope. I’m going to check in with her by email Saturday mornings, keep track of whether I ate too much, too little, or healthy on a calendar (color-coded markings) and if I purged, and continuing to talk to recovery minded people. Too bad I haven’t been able to implement any of them yet, but I’m looking forward to getting the chance.

For the really cool stuff… Since we have the Delta vouchers from our funeral travels last summer, we’ve been trying to figure out what to do with them. My dad finally decided that he was going to take me to New England this summer for a week so I can do the big Family History Tour I’ve fantasized about for years. So we’re going to Boston, Plymouth, and Salem in Massachusetts (with a stop at Ft. Devens), Hampton New Hampshire, and possibly a couple places in Connecticut and Maine. Over the next couple weeks, our final itinerary should work out, then it’s just picking dates and making reservations!

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I made it. I survived.

December 29, 2007 at 4:44 am (Eating Disorder, Happiness, Health) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

Thanksgiving is long gone. Christmas is finally over. I haven’t lost any weight. I haven’t gained any weight. I’m feeling relatively healthy. These things mean I (Karina) have been in control. ED hasn’t completely dictated how my holidays go. I’ve let myself eat. I’ve mostly chosen foods with at least some nutritional value. I’ve only run off to the bathroom to chew and spit twice. You know what? It happens. Part of recovery is messing up occasionally. The important part is *RECOVERING* from those slips and strengthening the healthy part of me. This kind of optimism out of me is almost sickening. Maybe it means I’m finally moving forward in recovery. Maybe the holiday spirit has possessed me a little too much. Maybe it’s just because I’ve forgotten to take my meds this past week. As long as it doesn’t nosedive, I’m not too worried. I’ll enjoy it.

As a side note, I had a couple experiences which have highlighted the importance of not letting the eating disorder rule my life any longer. I’ve fallen twice this past week. Not sure why, but I’m still a little weakened from that flu a few weeks ago. How cool is it that I don’t have osteoporosis? I’d be in big trouble by now. So that’s something I can do without. And I’m glad I haven’t gotten to that point. And last Sunday, Kenny (the bf) took me to a restaurant for lunch. I looked over the menu, debated between a few choices, placed my order, and enjoyed a meal. Just like a ‘normal’ person would. I tried a few bites of his food. I savored mine. We had a good time. And it felt good. That was probably the greatest Christmas present I could give myself- allowing myself to enjoy something that I should be enjoying anyway. It probably felt pretty good to him too.

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FreeRice: improve vocabulary while feeding the hungry

December 23, 2007 at 8:00 am (Happiness, Kindness) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

I actually found this on Snopes. They say it’s true, so I’m inclined to believe it, since they tend to be well researched, and information there is accurate. It’s called FreeRice and basically you answer vocabulary questions. For each question you get right, 20 grains of rice get donated. I guess this is the one time advertisers seem worth something. The great part is you can use it for vocabulary expansion too. I guess the point is, it’s something I believe is actually real (as hoax-ish as it seems), it’s beneficial to the user (can be used to work on vocabulary), and it has the added benefit that it’s charitable.

Another cause to consider right now during the holidays is the American Red Cross. They are desperate for blood. I was always scared of needles but way back in my senior year I decided to try it when they came to our school that semester. Ever since, I donate every time I can. Unfortunately the eating disorder has taken away from a lot of that. But anybody who is eligible really should consider it. I miss donating and I hate having to tell them when they call that I still can’t come in.

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Biopsy results are in (and other updates)

December 10, 2007 at 12:36 am (Happiness, Health, Randomness, Rants) (, , , )

The biopsy turned out fine. The just want me back in a few months for a follow up to be safe, but it looks like I dodged that one. And the pain and bleeding and all only lasted a few days. Not as big a deal as I had anticipated. That was probably my biggest relief… when I picked up the phone to hear the nurse tell me the good news.

I’m on yet more meds. Yet more side effects (but the benefits are far greater). And I’m actually remembering to take them!

I’m due for another EKG. Last time I went in for sinusitis she had talked about doing another one (since they always ask about everything else concerning overall health.) I probably need it, but honestly, I’m sick of them. Same with needles. They take too much blood. And doctors in general. There really should be a limit to how many times you have to go. Oh, and antibiotics. Seems like every time I go, they give me some. And it’s always the same one. And always the one that makes my stomach really sick.

On a happier note, I refused to weigh when I went in for the biopsy. And the therapist and psychiatrist both supported my decision. (The poor girl, I even refused backward weighing because I’m just sick of my weight constantly being up for scrutiny.) And my sinusitis finally seems to be cleared up. Chronic infection can kiss my lily white butt.

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My body feels like it’s falling apart.

October 11, 2007 at 5:54 am (Eating Disorder, Happiness, Health) (, , , , , , , , )

So I finally got over that flu. And when I went to the doctor for my latest follow-up, she gave me more antibiotics for my sinus infection, which I don’t think will ever go away. I’ve taken so many antibiotics just the past three months… And they always really mess up my system. So of course my eating hasn’t been too great. And I finally decided to pull out the diet pills again, because I just can’t stop thinking about them. It’s funny how my attitude on that has changed so much. I don’t care whether they work or not, it’s just a comfort. A mental comfort to me. My way of not purging. Anyway, I had stopped taking them for a while because I got scared when I had a seizure. Of course I haven’t told anybody the reason for it, and I’m really really really scared something’s major wrong with my heart. A couple weeks ago, I really thought I was having an actual heart attack. I finally managed I think to go to sleep or something, maybe I passed out, but whatever it was, I don’t think it was good. And I haven’t been quite right since then. But I finally had to give in to the temptation, even though I know it’s killing me. Even though I know starvation sucks. Even though I know it’s going to cost me what little I have left. I dunno, one day I’ll finally get the recovery thing right or die trying. Not to worry, I’m rooting for the recovery personally! I guess right now I’m just not ready. I’ll keep working at it again, and try when I actually feel in a good way, because I don’t think I can handle another relapse. In the mean time, I’ll just keep doing what I can to minimize the damage, I guess. Vitamins help. I finally went out and bought more, and I’m already noticing a little less bruising, a little more energy… Hopefully my next labs will reflect at least minimal improvement.

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sometimes, it’s good to share someone else’s joy

October 1, 2007 at 9:02 pm (Happiness) (, , , , , , )

Today has been pretty crappy for me. I couldn’t sleep, my stomach was so sick (subjective binging, another topic for another day), I’m recovering from the flu… I finally managed to get a little sleep, got up, took Nyquil, and decided to let that make me feel good. See, Nyquil doesn’t knock me out, it wires me. It makes me high. Anyway, so Kenny (my boyfriend) called a few hours ago to tell me that he finally has his car fixed and got the emissions and tags done earlier! Obviously that’s good for me since that means he has a working, legal car to drive, but I just let myself bask in his joy for a while since I had nothing else. And you know what? It worked. I ate dinner. I didn’t feel sick or sad from it (not more than any typical day). I actually spent a little time with my mom and we got along. The lesson here is when there’s nothing good happening to you, it’s okay to steal a little of somebody else’s sunshine when you need it.

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