Third time wasn’t a charm.

February 3, 2008 at 11:54 pm (Eating Disorder, Happiness, Health, Randomness, Rants) (, , , , , , )

So on Thursday I went back to the doctor since the kidney infection hadn’t cleared up. She gave me a different antibiotic (Cipro) and told me to come back in a week for a follow up. We went and filled my prescription. I took the first two doses, and after that it all went downhill. I was up all night with severe vomiting and diarrhea. I was in so much pain. In the morning I called the doctor’s office and left a message. Unfortunately it was Friday, so I’ve had to wait too long to hear back from them. I’m now in severe pain all over, still having bad vomiting and abdominal pain, and I’m questioning whether I should still be taking the Cipro. I’m hoping to hear back from them in the morning (it’s Sunday night now.) I’m still having symptoms of the infection, so it may not even be working (or it hasn’t stayed in me long enough to absorb.) This story still hasn’t found an ending, but hopefully it will soon.

On the ED front, I’ve been too sick to be active in any behaviors. Can’t chew/spit, laxatives are pointless, eating is painful and pointless, and I honestly don’t usually feel well enough to worry about any of those right now. But when I was in therapy Wednesday we came up with a plan to cope. I’m going to check in with her by email Saturday mornings, keep track of whether I ate too much, too little, or healthy on a calendar (color-coded markings) and if I purged, and continuing to talk to recovery minded people. Too bad I haven’t been able to implement any of them yet, but I’m looking forward to getting the chance.

For the really cool stuff… Since we have the Delta vouchers from our funeral travels last summer, we’ve been trying to figure out what to do with them. My dad finally decided that he was going to take me to New England this summer for a week so I can do the big Family History Tour I’ve fantasized about for years. So we’re going to Boston, Plymouth, and Salem in Massachusetts (with a stop at Ft. Devens), Hampton New Hampshire, and possibly a couple places in Connecticut and Maine. Over the next couple weeks, our final itinerary should work out, then it’s just picking dates and making reservations!

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My second ER trip and new ED problems

January 23, 2008 at 1:26 am (Eating Disorder, Health, Rants) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Yesterday I went in for a follow up at the doctor’s office. My pain had gotten worse, my left kidney had started hurting bad, and I was severely dehydrated. Guess what? I get sent BACK to the ER. Only three days after going there initially. The doctor had run the usual tests (needle hole three in my right arm) and I came up showing infection in my blood lab and blood and infection in my urine. So over to the emergency room she sends me. I had the quickest triage interview ever before they took me back to a tiny little room. Kenny was with me and I knew he wouldn’t be happy spending the better part of the day sitting around, but that’s what he gets for having a very unhealthy girlfriend. They immediately start IV fluids, which always sucks. But I’m used to needles. Anyway, they take their own specimens and send me over for a CT. Apparently I had crystals in my urine when I was there Friday (which they neglected to mention because the UTI was the bigger concern) but this time my urine there was fine, although it had been really bad only a few hours earlier. The only thing was ketones, which is nothing new for me. Anyway, my CT was clean (they wanted to check for kidney stones because of the pain and crystals in the urine) so they basically didn’t know what to tell me except to keep taking the antibiotics. And drink lots of fluids, even if they make me sick. I’ve been using the laxatives since Friday (doctor’s recommendation) and I’m concerned that could become problematic with the eating disorder. I know they only cause loss of water weight, but it’s not that. It’s that empty feeling they give me. And I know I’m hurting myself. I’m not sure how to explain it. It’s like with the diet pills. I know they’re both unhealthy and don’t work, but it’s all mental. Good thing I see the therapist later. Because I’m not doing too well. Hopefully my kidney infection will clear up, I won’t actually have kidney stones, and I’ll be able to stop the laxxies before I mess myself up even more.

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How’s my new year starting out, you ask?

January 1, 2008 at 4:05 am (Eating Disorder, Health, Rants) (, , , , , , , , , )

I missed midnight because I was knocked out from two benadryl because the cherries I had with lunch did bad things to me. I get itchy all over my face, in my ears and throat and all swollen and blotchy. I don’t even know because the dietician at the hospital told me it is impossible to be allergic to fruit when I told her I thought I was. I love fruit anyway, so if it’s nothing, I’ll continue eating it. And benadryl makes me feel like I’m not even alive. I don’t feel like I’m breathing or my heart is beating. So it’s not hard to finally get some sleep. So yeah, I wake up at 2AM grumpy because my day sucked. I get on the computer. My disgusting mannequin has now made its way into proana collections. Which brings up all kinds of feelings. Guilt, disgust, shame, anger (<—- therapy speak, can you tell?) And for 2008, I’m already silently wondering how many more people will die, how quickly I’ll make a total relapse, how much lonlier I can get. I really want to take every person who makes a new years resolution to lose X amount of weight and smash their face in so they have something else to focus on improving. Why don’t people understand that instead of weight loss, they need to work on bad habits (ie compulsive eating), lifestyle changes, and HEALTH? ED sufferers would know, the more you focus on that number, the more of a failure you feel like. And you don’t have to have an eating disorder to experience that. I’m shaking right now, I’m so mad and scared and sad and I feel like I’m gonna throw up or something. I hope I’m not starting to have a panic attack because that’s kinda what it feels like.

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Size doesn’t matter.

December 30, 2007 at 3:41 am (Eating Disorder, Health, Rants) (, , , , , , )

And this post isn’t what you think. What I want to talk about is the ‘sickest’ game. You don’t have to have an emaciated BMI to be really sick. To have lifelong effects. For one, not every eating disorder makes the sufferer ‘skinny.’ Contrary to popular belief, bulimia usually doesn’t look scrawny. But everybody knows it is extremely dangerous. There are also binge-eating and compulsive overeating, which don’t tend to cause weight loss. Even with ‘restrictive eating,’ not everybody gets to extreme weights. That doesn’t mean they aren’t just as sick. You can have all the same health problems associated with that emaciated, feeding tube look without even being close. Please people… just remember that EDNOS (just a stupid diagnostic classification) is dangerous and deserves just as much treatment and understanding. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE BMI 17.5 OR BELOW TO BE VERY VERY SICK.

That said, I think I’m done blogging in the middle of the night. My thoughts don’t seem nearly as organized and coherent as they should be.

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I made it. I survived.

December 29, 2007 at 4:44 am (Eating Disorder, Happiness, Health) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

Thanksgiving is long gone. Christmas is finally over. I haven’t lost any weight. I haven’t gained any weight. I’m feeling relatively healthy. These things mean I (Karina) have been in control. ED hasn’t completely dictated how my holidays go. I’ve let myself eat. I’ve mostly chosen foods with at least some nutritional value. I’ve only run off to the bathroom to chew and spit twice. You know what? It happens. Part of recovery is messing up occasionally. The important part is *RECOVERING* from those slips and strengthening the healthy part of me. This kind of optimism out of me is almost sickening. Maybe it means I’m finally moving forward in recovery. Maybe the holiday spirit has possessed me a little too much. Maybe it’s just because I’ve forgotten to take my meds this past week. As long as it doesn’t nosedive, I’m not too worried. I’ll enjoy it.

As a side note, I had a couple experiences which have highlighted the importance of not letting the eating disorder rule my life any longer. I’ve fallen twice this past week. Not sure why, but I’m still a little weakened from that flu a few weeks ago. How cool is it that I don’t have osteoporosis? I’d be in big trouble by now. So that’s something I can do without. And I’m glad I haven’t gotten to that point. And last Sunday, Kenny (the bf) took me to a restaurant for lunch. I looked over the menu, debated between a few choices, placed my order, and enjoyed a meal. Just like a ‘normal’ person would. I tried a few bites of his food. I savored mine. We had a good time. And it felt good. That was probably the greatest Christmas present I could give myself- allowing myself to enjoy something that I should be enjoying anyway. It probably felt pretty good to him too.

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that bulimia hostage ad…

December 22, 2007 at 6:35 am (Eating Disorder, Health, Media, Rants) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Since it seems to be a big topic right now, I figured I’d throw my two cents in. Why are people so critical of that series of ads? So maybe bulimia wasn’t my eating disorder, but don’t they kinda hold the sufferer hostage? That’s how I’ve always felt, with my depression, OCD, ED… My parents would back me up. They ‘just wanted their daughter back.’ Same with my brother’s ADHD. Hostage is exactly how it feels. Was it a little extreme? Of course. Tasteless? Nope. True? Yes.

At least it got some attention and discussion to the issue.

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Dreading Christmas and missing Kingdom of Loathing

December 22, 2007 at 5:51 am (Eating Disorder, Rants) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

1. I’m NOT looking forward to Christmas. Why? Well, my mother keeps telling me how much it’s going to suck. I’ve been looking forward to it, but her (and my dad is guilty too) constant downtalking it has me filled with a huge sense of dread. She seems to think all I care about is presents. She still thinks that’s all that matters to me. And Christmas will be small this year. And I didn’t even care. The implication of her highlighting how bad Christmas will be just means she thinks so little of me. I must be a brat. All I care about is stuff… not family, relaxation, that holiday spirit. Nope. She makes me feel horrible because I really must be a worse person than even my depression tells me I am. Plus, for the first year in history she wants to fix a ‘Christmas dinner.’ At least if she had done it previously, I could have been off the hook for being active in my eating disorder and everybody knew it. But nope. She decides to make that dinner a big deal as soon as I’m supposedly in recovery. Thanks a lot Mom. I finally AM becoming the Grinch you’ve always claimed I was.

2. I still cry (yes, seriously shed tears) over the loss of my KoL account. Because not one person in my life could once take 30 seconds out of a day while I was ‘locked up’ in recovery to sign me in, just to keep my account active. Nope. I’m not sure if it’s normal to be this depressed over it (but maybe people who play would understand the deep attachment?) but I just can’t start a new character. Not right now. I’ll breakdown. And I had so many ascensions, so much cool stuff… Over two years. Gone. Just because nobody thought doing little things like that would matter. Yes, I explicitly asked people. Not like I expected them to think about my KoL addiction. So yeah… I literally have this void, where my character is disappeared, and I really do think in my next session I’ll address this because it can’t be normal.

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the shameful, disgusting side of eating disorders…

December 11, 2007 at 1:55 am (Eating Disorder, Health) (, , , , , , )

****triggering****
Just for your information, READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. If you’re easily triggered, I’m begging you to turn away. You won’t read anything you aren’t all too familiar with. If you have academic interest or are just curious about eating disorders, this will give you an all too real look at what it’s like. If you’re reading this because you think eating disorders are somehow glamourous (I hope that problem is just overblown) please think about what I have to say. See that it’s not beautiful at all.

For being ‘in recovery’ I’m pretty friggin pathetic. Between ‘mini-binges’, restricting (to make up for that), secret exercising, diet pills, and tonight I suddenly added two more failures to the list.

1. Chewing and spitting. I’ve been fighting off night time compulsions to eat, but I got the idea to just chew it to try and satisfy cravings. So I grabbed a little bit of chocolate, sat over the toilet chewing, fighting the natural swallowing reflex, then finally spit it out. Which of course is disgusting on it’s own, not counting the fact that you’re right over a toilet your teenage brother uses frequently (yuck). So then I flush away the spit, with it running down my chin. I know what I’m doing is unhealthy and gross. I wash my face and hands, brush my teeth then go back to watching House. But what if I still ingested calories from it? Afterall, chocolate is one of my bigger fears. Well…

2. I tried to purge. I say try because it’s hard to truly purge when there’s nothing there to begin with. All I ended up with was a little bit of acid, a little bit of blood (my nails are long which can sometimes cut), a little bit of brown spit. Oh, and a sore throat, heart palpitations, and the knowledge that I just did yet another very unhealthy and extremely disgusting thing. Plus, it hurts. It’s scary, because purging is not somewhere I want to go. I’ve never had a problem with it (it’s been very infrequently that I’ve ever done it) but it’s a very real threat right now. And that’ll just cause an entirely new set of problems. Just… please, if you don’t have an eating disorder do everything you can to avoid it. If you think you have one, get help. It’s not pretty, it’s not fun, and it’s deadly. I’m just going to focus on letting this be an isolated incident, and keep working toward getting this recovery thing right.

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The most disgusting anorexia trigger ever.

November 18, 2007 at 7:37 am (Eating Disorder, Media, Rants) (, , , , , , , , , )

I’m not just talking about mannequins that are about half the size of normal humans. I’m talking about SKELETAL mannequins. Literally.

mannequin3.jpg

Thank you Macy’s. I don’t know if other stores have these bony ones (Macy’s is the only store I’ve ever seen THIS at) but this crosses a line. I hate that ‘oh mannequins are just supposed to be an abstract way of showing off clothing’ but when you stick protruding bones on them, they go from ‘abstract’ (I still just see major triggers since they’re in a human shape showing clothing I’m supposed to be trying to look that good in too) to downright sick and disgusting. Clearly the people who designed these, the people who thought they’d be perfect in the store for display… none of those people have EVER been touched by an eating disorder, have they? Because if they knew the hell people go through while looking like that (or working for that) they’d be just as disgusted as I am and I hope you are too. I’ve been brainstorming things to do. Maybe stand right by one at the store entrance and just hand out pamphlets about eating disorders? I don’t want to break laws, and if I get asked to leave, I will but I absolutely HAVE to do something about this. Enough lives have been lost and ruined because of that exact thing right up there. Join me in fighting this, please. For yourself, your sister, best friend, mother, daughter, girlfriend…

WE DON’T DESERVE TO FEEL THIS WAY!

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I’m so sick.

November 14, 2007 at 5:23 am (Eating Disorder, Health, Rants) (, , , , , , , , )

My sinus infection is back worse than it’s ever been. Trying a new treatment, but it’s just giving me headaches and nosebleeds, and doing nothing about the fever. I’m munching Tums, Mylanta, Pepcid like candy and neither my heartburn nor nausea are getting better. Eating helps the nausea some but increases the heartburn. Not eating helps the heartburn some but increases the nausea. So the worst thing of all…. food is the center of everything. And that’s just the physical battleground. Since it’s been sinking in more and more, I’m back and forth between binging and restricting. I binge because I don’t know what else to do. I binge because I’m scared that the next time I get really sick again, that’ll be the last time somebody sees me. Grandpa Brown saw me last New Year’s, when I couldn’t even stand up and they had to find me a chair (he was in a care center) so I could sit and the entire time instead of spending what would be the last time I’d see him talking, I was obsessing over the Blizzards we were eating. The last time he’d ever see me… And Opa got the joy of seeing me in/fresh out of the hospital. Then a few months later he dies. And it scares me that it’ll happen again. On the other hand, I restrict because I don’t know what else to do. I feel so disgusting. I actually have been gaining weight again. And people are very quick to point it out. My mother binges and I’m so scared to be like her. Restricting just seems to be the ultimate way to not be her. I have never felt so undesirable in my life. Because putting on that recovery weight… it’s flabby, disproportionate, awkward… It’s not like I have a nice face to help make up for it. So physically there’s nothing there. And no matter what people say, it’s proven time and again that beauty really does get you ahead. Now I’m fat, ugly, and miserable to be around. I’m scared to go to Kenny’s later. Because I’m scared that I get more and more unattractive to him every time I see him. Not to mention getting sicker and sicker every day. It’s wearing me down fast.

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