How’s my new year starting out, you ask?

January 1, 2008 at 4:05 am (Eating Disorder, Health, Rants) (, , , , , , , , , )

I missed midnight because I was knocked out from two benadryl because the cherries I had with lunch did bad things to me. I get itchy all over my face, in my ears and throat and all swollen and blotchy. I don’t even know because the dietician at the hospital told me it is impossible to be allergic to fruit when I told her I thought I was. I love fruit anyway, so if it’s nothing, I’ll continue eating it. And benadryl makes me feel like I’m not even alive. I don’t feel like I’m breathing or my heart is beating. So it’s not hard to finally get some sleep. So yeah, I wake up at 2AM grumpy because my day sucked. I get on the computer. My disgusting mannequin has now made its way into proana collections. Which brings up all kinds of feelings. Guilt, disgust, shame, anger (<—- therapy speak, can you tell?) And for 2008, I’m already silently wondering how many more people will die, how quickly I’ll make a total relapse, how much lonlier I can get. I really want to take every person who makes a new years resolution to lose X amount of weight and smash their face in so they have something else to focus on improving. Why don’t people understand that instead of weight loss, they need to work on bad habits (ie compulsive eating), lifestyle changes, and HEALTH? ED sufferers would know, the more you focus on that number, the more of a failure you feel like. And you don’t have to have an eating disorder to experience that. I’m shaking right now, I’m so mad and scared and sad and I feel like I’m gonna throw up or something. I hope I’m not starting to have a panic attack because that’s kinda what it feels like.



  1. Buddy Howard said,

    I think you are brave..and probably stronger than you think.

    I am not a professional, but my daughter had an eating disorder. So, I have some sense of how impossibly hard it must seem to get through even a day.

    You are right on about the New Year resolutions, and how misguided so many of them are. I hope 2008 brings good things for you. I also hope you will take one day at a time and surround yourself, to the extent possible, with supportive people.

    I am proud of you for just being alive, of making it this far.

    Hang in there.


  2. withlovebyli said,

    There’s only so much you can do and then the rest is up to everyone else. People have to take responsibility of their lives and their health. Please don’t take their health upon yourself. It’s too much.

    I went to the doc’s office a few days ago and quickly hopped on the scale for the first time in months. The number upset me for about a minute. Then I just let it go. Like you said, it’s not about the number, it’s about my health. If it’s any consolation, my goals for this year is to be healthier and fit. I’m starting off slow by walking. Yay walking! lol

    Keep breathing, live for yourself.



  3. echo said,

    Yay for health. I think next time I go to the doctor I’ll weigh. And I’ll remember you if I get upset about the number and now worry about it. I know I’ve gained weight, but I know I feel better and healthier. And it feels good.

    But you’re right, I do need to worry less about other people’s health and life. I have enough to focus on in my own life/health.

  4. Tanya said,

    That’s bullshit what the dietician said about not being able to be allergic to fruit. One of my friends went into anaphylactic shock because of a food allergy and the first thing the doctor thought it might have been was strawberries. It never ceases to amaze me how medical professionals contradict each other!

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