the shameful, disgusting side of eating disorders…

December 11, 2007 at 1:55 am (Eating Disorder, Health) (, , , , , , )

Just for your information, READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. If you’re easily triggered, I’m begging you to turn away. You won’t read anything you aren’t all too familiar with. If you have academic interest or are just curious about eating disorders, this will give you an all too real look at what it’s like. If you’re reading this because you think eating disorders are somehow glamourous (I hope that problem is just overblown) please think about what I have to say. See that it’s not beautiful at all.

For being ‘in recovery’ I’m pretty friggin pathetic. Between ‘mini-binges’, restricting (to make up for that), secret exercising, diet pills, and tonight I suddenly added two more failures to the list.

1. Chewing and spitting. I’ve been fighting off night time compulsions to eat, but I got the idea to just chew it to try and satisfy cravings. So I grabbed a little bit of chocolate, sat over the toilet chewing, fighting the natural swallowing reflex, then finally spit it out. Which of course is disgusting on it’s own, not counting the fact that you’re right over a toilet your teenage brother uses frequently (yuck). So then I flush away the spit, with it running down my chin. I know what I’m doing is unhealthy and gross. I wash my face and hands, brush my teeth then go back to watching House. But what if I still ingested calories from it? Afterall, chocolate is one of my bigger fears. Well…

2. I tried to purge. I say try because it’s hard to truly purge when there’s nothing there to begin with. All I ended up with was a little bit of acid, a little bit of blood (my nails are long which can sometimes cut), a little bit of brown spit. Oh, and a sore throat, heart palpitations, and the knowledge that I just did yet another very unhealthy and extremely disgusting thing. Plus, it hurts. It’s scary, because purging is not somewhere I want to go. I’ve never had a problem with it (it’s been very infrequently that I’ve ever done it) but it’s a very real threat right now. And that’ll just cause an entirely new set of problems. Just… please, if you don’t have an eating disorder do everything you can to avoid it. If you think you have one, get help. It’s not pretty, it’s not fun, and it’s deadly. I’m just going to focus on letting this be an isolated incident, and keep working toward getting this recovery thing right.



  1. Tanya said,

    “For being ‘in recovery’ I’m pretty friggin pathetic”

    I can relate to that. Although I am apparently ‘recovered’ I still go through phases of obsessively counting calories (1000 a day is too many, 500 is acceptable, 0 is ideal) and still call myself a fat bitch in the mirror a little too often.

    Do we ever really recover?

  2. withlovebyli said,

    I’m just going to focus on letting this be an isolated incident, and keep working toward getting this recovery thing right.

    *nods* Right on, that sounds like a good plan.

    And for the record, yes, I do feel an individual can really recover. I’m doing awesome. 🙂

  3. monsterkookies said,

    It’s much the same as the addiction of cutting oneself on purpose – I went through that for 8 years, and I am still dealing with it. I have never suffered from an eating disorder, but I still feel we are on the same page.

  4. Aly said,

    I too am an anorexic and never really sruggled with purging then randomly chewing and spitting dawned on me and the fear of something being digested terrified me so i purged.. it has become an issue of mine now – and its caused even MORE medical problems.. its something i keep very secret though because through allthe treatment i’ve been through its only triggered others with EDs and brought them deeper into the eating disorder so i only share it with my doctors and therapists.. maybe you should consider the same? you can always email me about it too because i get it.. i’m just worrried that others might pick up the bad habit.

  5. Danilo Yamnitz said,

    Anorexia nervosa (AN), characterized by refusal to maintain a healthy body weight, an obsessive fear of gaining weight, and an unrealistic perception of current body weight. However, some patients can suffer from anorexia nervosa unconsciously. These patients are classified under “atypical eating disorders”. Anorexia can cause menstruation to stop, and often leads to bone loss, loss of skin integrity, etc. It greatly stresses the heart, increasing the risk of heart attacks and related heart problems. The risk of death is greatly increased in individuals with this disease.’

    Up to date short article on our own blog site

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