Size doesn’t matter.
And this post isn’t what you think. What I want to talk about is the ’sickest’ game. You don’t have to have an emaciated BMI to be really sick. To have lifelong effects. For one, not every eating disorder makes the sufferer ’skinny.’ Contrary to popular belief, bulimia usually doesn’t look scrawny. But everybody knows it is extremely dangerous. There are also binge-eating and compulsive overeating, which don’t tend to cause weight loss. Even with ‘restrictive eating,’ not everybody gets to extreme weights. That doesn’t mean they aren’t just as sick. You can have all the same health problems associated with that emaciated, feeding tube look without even being close. Please people… just remember that EDNOS (just a stupid diagnostic classification) is dangerous and deserves just as much treatment and understanding. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE BMI 17.5 OR BELOW TO BE VERY VERY SICK.
That said, I think I’m done blogging in the middle of the night. My thoughts don’t seem nearly as organized and coherent as they should be.
I made it. I survived.
Thanksgiving is long gone. Christmas is finally over. I haven’t lost any weight. I haven’t gained any weight. I’m feeling relatively healthy. These things mean I (Karina) have been in control. ED hasn’t completely dictated how my holidays go. I’ve let myself eat. I’ve mostly chosen foods with at least some nutritional value. I’ve only run off to the bathroom to chew and spit twice. You know what? It happens. Part of recovery is messing up occasionally. The important part is *RECOVERING* from those slips and strengthening the healthy part of me. This kind of optimism out of me is almost sickening. Maybe it means I’m finally moving forward in recovery. Maybe the holiday spirit has possessed me a little too much. Maybe it’s just because I’ve forgotten to take my meds this past week. As long as it doesn’t nosedive, I’m not too worried. I’ll enjoy it.
As a side note, I had a couple experiences which have highlighted the importance of not letting the eating disorder rule my life any longer. I’ve fallen twice this past week. Not sure why, but I’m still a little weakened from that flu a few weeks ago. How cool is it that I don’t have osteoporosis? I’d be in big trouble by now. So that’s something I can do without. And I’m glad I haven’t gotten to that point. And last Sunday, Kenny (the bf) took me to a restaurant for lunch. I looked over the menu, debated between a few choices, placed my order, and enjoyed a meal. Just like a ‘normal’ person would. I tried a few bites of his food. I savored mine. We had a good time. And it felt good. That was probably the greatest Christmas present I could give myself- allowing myself to enjoy something that I should be enjoying anyway. It probably felt pretty good to him too.
FreeRice: improve vocabulary while feeding the hungry
I actually found this on Snopes. They say it’s true, so I’m inclined to believe it, since they tend to be well researched, and information there is accurate. It’s called FreeRice and basically you answer vocabulary questions. For each question you get right, 20 grains of rice get donated. I guess this is the one time advertisers seem worth something. The great part is you can use it for vocabulary expansion too. I guess the point is, it’s something I believe is actually real (as hoax-ish as it seems), it’s beneficial to the user (can be used to work on vocabulary), and it has the added benefit that it’s charitable.
Another cause to consider right now during the holidays is the American Red Cross. They are desperate for blood. I was always scared of needles but way back in my senior year I decided to try it when they came to our school that semester. Ever since, I donate every time I can. Unfortunately the eating disorder has taken away from a lot of that. But anybody who is eligible really should consider it. I miss donating and I hate having to tell them when they call that I still can’t come in.
that bulimia hostage ad…
Since it seems to be a big topic right now, I figured I’d throw my two cents in. Why are people so critical of that series of ads? So maybe bulimia wasn’t my eating disorder, but don’t they kinda hold the sufferer hostage? That’s how I’ve always felt, with my depression, OCD, ED… My parents would back me up. They ‘just wanted their daughter back.’ Same with my brother’s ADHD. Hostage is exactly how it feels. Was it a little extreme? Of course. Tasteless? Nope. True? Yes.
At least it got some attention and discussion to the issue.
Dreading Christmas and missing Kingdom of Loathing
1. I’m NOT looking forward to Christmas. Why? Well, my mother keeps telling me how much it’s going to suck. I’ve been looking forward to it, but her (and my dad is guilty too) constant downtalking it has me filled with a huge sense of dread. She seems to think all I care about is presents. She still thinks that’s all that matters to me. And Christmas will be small this year. And I didn’t even care. The implication of her highlighting how bad Christmas will be just means she thinks so little of me. I must be a brat. All I care about is stuff… not family, relaxation, that holiday spirit. Nope. She makes me feel horrible because I really must be a worse person than even my depression tells me I am. Plus, for the first year in history she wants to fix a ‘Christmas dinner.’ At least if she had done it previously, I could have been off the hook for being active in my eating disorder and everybody knew it. But nope. She decides to make that dinner a big deal as soon as I’m supposedly in recovery. Thanks a lot Mom. I finally AM becoming the Grinch you’ve always claimed I was.
2. I still cry (yes, seriously shed tears) over the loss of my KoL account. Because not one person in my life could once take 30 seconds out of a day while I was ‘locked up’ in recovery to sign me in, just to keep my account active. Nope. I’m not sure if it’s normal to be this depressed over it (but maybe people who play would understand the deep attachment?) but I just can’t start a new character. Not right now. I’ll breakdown. And I had so many ascensions, so much cool stuff… Over two years. Gone. Just because nobody thought doing little things like that would matter. Yes, I explicitly asked people. Not like I expected them to think about my KoL addiction. So yeah… I literally have this void, where my character is disappeared, and I really do think in my next session I’ll address this because it can’t be normal.
the shameful, disgusting side of eating disorders…
****triggering****
Just for your information, READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. If you’re easily triggered, I’m begging you to turn away. You won’t read anything you aren’t all too familiar with. If you have academic interest or are just curious about eating disorders, this will give you an all too real look at what it’s like. If you’re reading this because you think eating disorders are somehow glamourous (I hope that problem is just overblown) please think about what I have to say. See that it’s not beautiful at all.
For being ‘in recovery’ I’m pretty friggin pathetic. Between ‘mini-binges’, restricting (to make up for that), secret exercising, diet pills, and tonight I suddenly added two more failures to the list.
1. Chewing and spitting. I’ve been fighting off night time compulsions to eat, but I got the idea to just chew it to try and satisfy cravings. So I grabbed a little bit of chocolate, sat over the toilet chewing, fighting the natural swallowing reflex, then finally spit it out. Which of course is disgusting on it’s own, not counting the fact that you’re right over a toilet your teenage brother uses frequently (yuck). So then I flush away the spit, with it running down my chin. I know what I’m doing is unhealthy and gross. I wash my face and hands, brush my teeth then go back to watching House. But what if I still ingested calories from it? Afterall, chocolate is one of my bigger fears. Well…
2. I tried to purge. I say try because it’s hard to truly purge when there’s nothing there to begin with. All I ended up with was a little bit of acid, a little bit of blood (my nails are long which can sometimes cut), a little bit of brown spit. Oh, and a sore throat, heart palpitations, and the knowledge that I just did yet another very unhealthy and extremely disgusting thing. Plus, it hurts. It’s scary, because purging is not somewhere I want to go. I’ve never had a problem with it (it’s been very infrequently that I’ve ever done it) but it’s a very real threat right now. And that’ll just cause an entirely new set of problems. Just… please, if you don’t have an eating disorder do everything you can to avoid it. If you think you have one, get help. It’s not pretty, it’s not fun, and it’s deadly. I’m just going to focus on letting this be an isolated incident, and keep working toward getting this recovery thing right.
Biopsy results are in (and other updates)
The biopsy turned out fine. The just want me back in a few months for a follow up to be safe, but it looks like I dodged that one. And the pain and bleeding and all only lasted a few days. Not as big a deal as I had anticipated. That was probably my biggest relief… when I picked up the phone to hear the nurse tell me the good news.
I’m on yet more meds. Yet more side effects (but the benefits are far greater). And I’m actually remembering to take them!
I’m due for another EKG. Last time I went in for sinusitis she had talked about doing another one (since they always ask about everything else concerning overall health.) I probably need it, but honestly, I’m sick of them. Same with needles. They take too much blood. And doctors in general. There really should be a limit to how many times you have to go. Oh, and antibiotics. Seems like every time I go, they give me some. And it’s always the same one. And always the one that makes my stomach really sick.
On a happier note, I refused to weigh when I went in for the biopsy. And the therapist and psychiatrist both supported my decision. (The poor girl, I even refused backward weighing because I’m just sick of my weight constantly being up for scrutiny.) And my sinusitis finally seems to be cleared up. Chronic infection can kiss my lily white butt.
