The most disgusting anorexia trigger ever.
I’m not just talking about mannequins that are about half the size of normal humans. I’m talking about SKELETAL mannequins. Literally.
Thank you Macy’s. I don’t know if other stores have these bony ones (Macy’s is the only store I’ve ever seen THIS at) but this crosses a line. I hate that ‘oh mannequins are just supposed to be an abstract way of showing off clothing’ but when you stick protruding bones on them, they go from ‘abstract’ (I still just see major triggers since they’re in a human shape showing clothing I’m supposed to be trying to look that good in too) to downright sick and disgusting. Clearly the people who designed these, the people who thought they’d be perfect in the store for display… none of those people have EVER been touched by an eating disorder, have they? Because if they knew the hell people go through while looking like that (or working for that) they’d be just as disgusted as I am and I hope you are too. I’ve been brainstorming things to do. Maybe stand right by one at the store entrance and just hand out pamphlets about eating disorders? I don’t want to break laws, and if I get asked to leave, I will but I absolutely HAVE to do something about this. Enough lives have been lost and ruined because of that exact thing right up there. Join me in fighting this, please. For yourself, your sister, best friend, mother, daughter, girlfriend…
WE DON’T DESERVE TO FEEL THIS WAY!
I’m so sick.
My sinus infection is back worse than it’s ever been. Trying a new treatment, but it’s just giving me headaches and nosebleeds, and doing nothing about the fever. I’m munching Tums, Mylanta, Pepcid like candy and neither my heartburn nor nausea are getting better. Eating helps the nausea some but increases the heartburn. Not eating helps the heartburn some but increases the nausea. So the worst thing of all…. food is the center of everything. And that’s just the physical battleground. Since it’s been sinking in more and more, I’m back and forth between binging and restricting. I binge because I don’t know what else to do. I binge because I’m scared that the next time I get really sick again, that’ll be the last time somebody sees me. Grandpa Brown saw me last New Year’s, when I couldn’t even stand up and they had to find me a chair (he was in a care center) so I could sit and the entire time instead of spending what would be the last time I’d see him talking, I was obsessing over the Blizzards we were eating. The last time he’d ever see me… And Opa got the joy of seeing me in/fresh out of the hospital. Then a few months later he dies. And it scares me that it’ll happen again. On the other hand, I restrict because I don’t know what else to do. I feel so disgusting. I actually have been gaining weight again. And people are very quick to point it out. My mother binges and I’m so scared to be like her. Restricting just seems to be the ultimate way to not be her. I have never felt so undesirable in my life. Because putting on that recovery weight… it’s flabby, disproportionate, awkward… It’s not like I have a nice face to help make up for it. So physically there’s nothing there. And no matter what people say, it’s proven time and again that beauty really does get you ahead. Now I’m fat, ugly, and miserable to be around. I’m scared to go to Kenny’s later. Because I’m scared that I get more and more unattractive to him every time I see him. Not to mention getting sicker and sicker every day. It’s wearing me down fast.
blah blah blah
I’m not entirely sure what I should say. I know I said I’d post a blog about good things but there’s very little right now. Kenny (the boyfriend) came over for a couple days which was nice. But for the first time in a couple months, we had a go-around about my eating. Overall though it was good to have him over. I’ve been dehydrated, so I’m trying to fix that before I end up in the hospital. My dentist noticed it and my psychiatrist came to that conclusion when I was updating her on my heart. Which has been acting up the past couple weeks. And this heartburn… Ugh. I’ve been binging bad too. Which isn’t helping things. But at least nobody can complain right now about me not eating enough. Another plus. Anyway, I guess the point is how much hard work recovery is, and how easy it is to have different setbacks. Or something like that.
Old pictures…
I saw the few pictures that exist of me during the worst of my eating disorder and I still can’t see skinny. Most people look back and feel shocked at how they look. Maybe it hasn’t been long enough, or maybe I was right the whole time and there really was nothing wrong with me. And now… I put on pounds by the day. I don’t even want to leave the house anymore. I’m really in that binge eating phase that always happens several months in. I start going through recovery, everybody tells me how much better (fatter) I look, and then I think some biological switch gets flipped. It’ll maybe last a couple months tops, then it all spirals downward again until I find myself in treatment at supposedly an extremely low weight. I think they just need to revise their standards. Clearly I was not remotely in a dangerous range. All I need is a picture to tell me that.
