My ED sob stories.
I guess this is the blog where I get to tell some of my sad stories related to eating disorder. If you’re reading this and have an eating disorder or have watched a loved one suffer, I have no doubts you can relate. In fact, you can feel free to share your own either publicly or you can always email me. So here goes:
The first one I’ll share is when, shortly before going into the hospital (I think actually the week before) my dad had to go to the mall to have work on the van. So of course I tagged to shop and admittedly have a good excuse to walk more. As we were getting ready to leave, he asked if I wanted to go out do dinner. It was just one of those moments when my entire body froze up. Do I say yes? That would mean I actually get to do something with my dad but I’d have to struggle through eating. Not only eating, but doing it in front of an entire restaurant full of people. Do I decline? Doesn’t that just mean I miss out on a rare opportunity because of some stupid quirk of mine? (Yeah, I always just called it my quirk.) I decided we should go to Bahama Breeze. Anyway, I’m not getting into my food choices but I did manage to eat a little and surprisingly enjoyed myself. The thing is, I don’t get to do a lot of things with my dad, so that was something special, and I’ll be damned if I’m not going to fight to make it count for something good. But there was still that stupid voice in my head the entire time, distracting me some from what should have been an awesome father/daughter dinner.
My next one’s similar, except with my boyfriend at Olive Garden. And he wasn’t passive/in denial that there was something wrong with me. The night ended up in tears on both sides.
During my stay IP, my grandfather in Florida (whose health had been rapidly declining anyway) died. Instead of a family session, I got time to sob with my dad and brother. My mom was at the airport picking her parents up (they were coincidently visiting from Germany). So I get to go on leave for one grandfather’s funeral.
Which kinda leads me to the next bad thing. The German grandfather snapped a picture of me on our way back (stupid picture won’t upload correctly), right before they dropped me off again before all heading home. I got out right before they flew back home. It ended up being the last time I saw Opa because he died of an aneurism back in early July. So yeah, the last time he sees me is during/right after coming out of treatment. And while we were over there for the funeral my cousin was telling me how worried he had been about me. Apparantly he talked about that a lot.
That’s a crude rundown of the sad stuff that comes to mind right now. Not too eloquently stated, but I still think you understand the point. There are SO many more stories I could tell… fights with boyfriend, family friends… mean comments from complete strangers. But I guess these are the ones that really hit hard. Anyway, I think sometime later I’ll tell a few happy stories. About the makeover I got from Michelle, and seeing Nightmare Before Christmas in 3D!!!
makeover…
Michelle elected me to go out and get a makeover. She was asking me about getting a haircut. So I said I’d think about it, and I’ve ended up finding a couple good ideas. Now, the hard part, if you look up information about haircuts, is that everything depends on face shape. There are so many problems with this. I seem, by all calculations, to be a dead mix between ‘oblong’ and ‘heart’ shaped. Plus, put ten pounds on me again, and I’ll look totally different anyway. Fortunately, everything I’ve found about oblong and heart styles seems pretty similar. Then I went to one of those makeover websites, and actually found a couple looks I like, even though I’m still nervous they won’t look nearly so good in reality… Well, I still have a couple days to figure it out, but I’m open to any feedback.
My body feels like it’s falling apart.
So I finally got over that flu. And when I went to the doctor for my latest follow-up, she gave me more antibiotics for my sinus infection, which I don’t think will ever go away. I’ve taken so many antibiotics just the past three months… And they always really mess up my system. So of course my eating hasn’t been too great. And I finally decided to pull out the diet pills again, because I just can’t stop thinking about them. It’s funny how my attitude on that has changed so much. I don’t care whether they work or not, it’s just a comfort. A mental comfort to me. My way of not purging. Anyway, I had stopped taking them for a while because I got scared when I had a seizure. Of course I haven’t told anybody the reason for it, and I’m really really really scared something’s major wrong with my heart. A couple weeks ago, I really thought I was having an actual heart attack. I finally managed I think to go to sleep or something, maybe I passed out, but whatever it was, I don’t think it was good. And I haven’t been quite right since then. But I finally had to give in to the temptation, even though I know it’s killing me. Even though I know starvation sucks. Even though I know it’s going to cost me what little I have left. I dunno, one day I’ll finally get the recovery thing right or die trying. Not to worry, I’m rooting for the recovery personally! I guess right now I’m just not ready. I’ll keep working at it again, and try when I actually feel in a good way, because I don’t think I can handle another relapse. In the mean time, I’ll just keep doing what I can to minimize the damage, I guess. Vitamins help. I finally went out and bought more, and I’m already noticing a little less bruising, a little more energy… Hopefully my next labs will reflect at least minimal improvement.
sometimes, it’s good to share someone else’s joy
Today has been pretty crappy for me. I couldn’t sleep, my stomach was so sick (subjective binging, another topic for another day), I’m recovering from the flu… I finally managed to get a little sleep, got up, took Nyquil, and decided to let that make me feel good. See, Nyquil doesn’t knock me out, it wires me. It makes me high. Anyway, so Kenny (my boyfriend) called a few hours ago to tell me that he finally has his car fixed and got the emissions and tags done earlier! Obviously that’s good for me since that means he has a working, legal car to drive, but I just let myself bask in his joy for a while since I had nothing else. And you know what? It worked. I ate dinner. I didn’t feel sick or sad from it (not more than any typical day). I actually spent a little time with my mom and we got along. The lesson here is when there’s nothing good happening to you, it’s okay to steal a little of somebody else’s sunshine when you need it.
