the downfalls of ED diagnoses
This is kinda a two-parter, but they both came up related in therapy earlier today. First, I’ll talk about my own feelings about my diagnosis. I guess I’ve mostly avoided talking (especially in person) about having anorexia nervosa. I usually just reference my ‘eating problems.’ The other day I was looking at my medical records online. I found my visit back in March when I had the follow up EKG, and the addendum was diagnosis: anorexia nervosa. I don’t know why, just seeing it written was weird. Maybe you know what I’m talking about? Just that I’m too aware everyday that I don’t have a healthy relationship with food and all, but anorexia just feels so different. So drastic. So specific. Especially when you’re still in the mindset of being EDNOS, because that’s technically where I’ve fallen since my last recovery failed. But SEEING it is so definite. And more real than I’m really comfortable with.
The other issue IS specific diagnoses versus EDNOS. The fact that EDNOS is a catch-all for anybody not clinically anorexic or bulimic. Usually it gets taken less seriously, get less attention, and less coverage for treatment. A diagnosis of EDNOS can doom any attempts to get treated before it turns into full-blown whatever, because a lot of times insurance doesn’t do much for that category. I’m glad to read about how different things that fall into EDNOS have been considered for a separate diagnosis, but the real issue is that the insurance companies should be pushed harder to cover all eating disorders better, especially EDNOS. Just think of how many lives could be that much better for it!
the media may not cause eating disorders…
…but it certainly doesn’t help. I keep thinking about the book Stick Figure by Lori Gottlieb. She keeps obsessing over a phrase from an ad ‘if you can pinch an inch’ (I think it was Special K or something). Anyway, that’s her obsession. Mine is an ad from several years back I think for some breakfast substitute that had the message you are what you eat. For example a guy in an office eating a donut was putting one around his waist. But the part that really stood out to me… a woman hailing a taxi with a pastry hanging from her arm. To me she was already really thin and pretty, but apparently because she had eaten breakfast, her arms were now huge and flabby and doughy. But she was skinnier than me, so what did that make MY arms? The media doesn’t cause eating disorders, I agree with that. But they damn sure don’t help. It was that one ad that taught me to hate my arms. That they would never be thin enough. That breakfast only makes you fatter. It’s an old ad, but to this day, it’s so so vivid to me. It’s not why I suffered anorexia nervosa, but you can’t say it didn’t leave a negative impression.
an apology to Spaghetti
Dear Spaghetti,
I’m so sorry I just couldn’t eat much of you. See, I had been looking forward to dinner all day. It’s been so long since I’ve had you for dinner, and I had decided that I was going to enjoy it. But Kenny fell asleep right as I started eating. And all I had for light was a blacklight. Which always makes me look fatter. Then you started looking kinda like a pile of crap. Literally. Poo with worms crawling around, and no matter how much I reminded myself that you were the Spaghetti I had looked forward to all day, I still could no longer find you appetizing. And nobody was around to tell me the truth. So when you finally started smelling bad, I just had to stop. But it’s a new day, right? Just next time, please don’t change into something that disgusting.
Echo
the truth about Ana and Mia
Ana= anorexia nervosa. Mia= bulimia.
Well, in theory anyway. I’m not going to get into the whole pro-ana debate right now, but I do want to express my pet peeves about diagnostic technicalities that too many people don’t know or ignore.
In order to be considered anorexic, you must have a BMI under 17.5 (lower if you’re a child or teenager). I’m sorry, but if your BMI is higher, you’re diagnostically EDNOS, NOT anorexic. Do note though, EDNOS is still hell, still dangerous. Just because you don’t have a certain BMI doesn’t mean you’re not really sick. I’m not saying EDNOS is less serious than anorexia nervosa, it’s just a different diagnosis, which is in this case based on weight/height.
In order to be bulimic, you have to binge. Bulimia is not throwing up when you do eat. That’s called purging. To be diagnosed with bulimia, you have to BINGE and purge at a certain frequency. If you don’t binge, you’re not bulimic. Period. You’re probably EDNOS.
Sorry, but these details bug me. It bothers me every time I see some ‘Ana’ girl throwing around the word anorexic at perfectly normal weights (again, you can be sick even at ‘healthy’ weights) and girls calling themselves ‘Mia’ because they threw up a couple times and don’t binge. If they would be diagnosed with anything it would be (again) EDNOS. Which is pretty much always how eating disorders start out (just so you don’t accuse me of elitism). With all of that said, I’m going to bed.
It’s finally time to get this going!
Just a little of the boring stuff about me for my first post I guess. I’m a very messed up person. I’m trying to recover from anorexia nervosa, bipolar, and a whole host of other mental disorders. Physically, I’m also a mess. That tends to be the majority of my blogging, mostly eating disorder stuff. Just because. I’m also very musical. I once studied opera. Can’t do it much anymore though. I also play flute and am working on the keyboard again. I’ve tried to write when I was younger, mostly teenage angst emo poetry, but what do you expect out of a depressed teenager? I would say I’ve grown out of it, but that’s not really true. I just decided that everything I wrote sucked too much to keep writing it. So I stopped. Lately I haven’t done much of anything to cope though. Don’t expect greatness out of me. All I have to offer is the same old tired eating disorder and depression rants, basically because I have nowhere else to get that stuff out.
